


Blood and Water

by CameronFoss



Series: The Love of Monsters [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Background - Freeform, Bad Parenting, Childhood Trauma, F/F, Family, Found Family, Kid Fic, Minor Character Death, Multi, chosen family, director sanvers, not alex's though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 40,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26783926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CameronFoss/pseuds/CameronFoss
Summary: Slots between Coming Home and the Epilogue of How Monsters are Made - exploring Alex's relationship with both her parents post-return from space. Includes the missing Eliza reunion (Chapter 1), what happens to Jeremiah and the complexity of family ties.Warning: Angst. Lots of angst - more than the original fic. Seriously, proceed with caution.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Eliza Danvers, Alex Danvers & Jeremiah Danvers, Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane/Maggie Sawyer
Series: The Love of Monsters [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931620
Comments: 132
Kudos: 139





	1. Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> Hey folks! Chapter 1 is almost entirely the Eliza reunion that was requested by a couple of comments! Again, this gets depressing - My wife has informed me that it is, in fact, very depressing. Chapter 1 can stand alone but proceed with caution.

## Eliza

It’s approximately a two-hour drive to Midvale. Which meant that if they left at 7am, they would be able to get there just after Eliza finishes her breakfast but before she runs any errands.

It also means that they can go down there, and be back, in one day. Which is good. Because, as much as Alex loves Drew, and trusted them as her Second, she didn’t exactly feel comfortable leaving the crew unattended. It’d only been a few days since they arrived. It felt like abandoning ducklings.

But she didn’t want Eliza to come out to them – she didn’t want to reunite with her mom over the phone. And she didn’t want Kara to have to try and convince her to get on Airway Supergirl without telling her the truth. So, she decided to drive down.

Which was fine, because it would only be one day.

One day.

 _One_ day.

She could totally leave her crew alone for one day. Pffffft – she was totally capable. She _trusted_ them with her life! What was 12 hours of anarchy?

_One day._

“So, help me _God_ ,” Alex demanded, cornering a grinning Drew in the DEO. “If any of you so much as get a papercut I will extract serious consequences.”

“Very scary,” Drew complimented, grin widening.

“ _Anderson_ -“

“Yeah, yeah,” Drew assured, patting her wrist, ignoring the pointer finger directly in their face. “No worries – I’ll keep the hoodlums in line. You have fun with your girls.”

“You understand the last time I left you in charge of anything my daughter got hit by a missile, was then attacked by White Martians, my jump ship sustained serious damage and three of my crew were hospitalized? _Including you?”_

Drew just smirked, their red eyes twinkling with unrestrained glee at their Captains concern. “I got it – I promise. The entire crew _combined_ isn’t half the trouble Ky creates.”

Alex narrowed her eyes but dropped her hand. They weren’t wrong.

“You’ll call if something comes up?”

“Nope,” and they ducked under her arm, already around the corner before she could protest.

Alex grumbled for a second, ignoring the happy glow in her chest at the familiar interaction with her Second. Being home was… indescribable. But the familiarity of dealing with her crew… it settled her a little. 

“You ready to go Alex?” Kara’s happy little hop around the corner had her sister fighting a smile.

“Yeah, let me just say goodbye to Lucy.”

Kara’s face twisted, even as her eyes sparkled. “I’ll just… wait in the car then.”

“Kar- Kara!” But she was already gone. Alex chuckled, turning the corner into the central command to snag her girlfriend before she left.

“What had Super-Puppy hightailing it out of here so quick?” Lucy asked, eye’s fixed on the documents attached to her clipboard.

Alex shrugged, inching into her girlfriends’ space. “Meh - She thinks we’re going to do something inappropriate.”

Lucy signed something at the bottom of the page, still not looking up. “What makes you think we’re not?”

“Ah, haha, ah,” Alex stuttered, eyes widening. “Well, you know,” she waved a hand at the DEO in general. You know, the people and the machines and the Agent’s doing their jobs – innocent bystanders really.

“No,” the director finished signing with a flourish, looking up with a wolfish smile. “I don’t.”

“Luce…” It came out more like a whine than she’d intended. Which, in fairness, Alex had only been back a couple of days. And she hadn’t seen Lucy Lane in years – hadn’t seen either of her girlfriends in years. She’d been alone in space, sharing a bed with her daughter. There hadn’t been a lot of alone time. She could be forgiven for a little weakness.

“Why don’t you come over here and explain it to me, _Captain_ Danvers?” Alex felt her stomach flip at the way she said her title – felt heat spread down her chest when she ran her tongue along her teeth. The look in her eye was not helping.

_Jesus fuck._

“Lucy,” she breathed back, now in reaching distance – now in touching distance.

“Mmmmm?” She looked up at the captain through her eyelashes, catching her lip between teeth.

“You’re mean.” A final step, she could see the individual specks of color in wanting, teasing eyes.

“You _like it.”_

Alex groaned into the space between them, stepping close enough to touch their foreheads. In the middle of the command center. In full view of every employee under Director Lanes purview.

Maybe Lucy had missed her as much as she’d missed Lucy then.

“I have to go,” Alex whispered back.

Previous bravado melted away at those words. The reality of her girlfriend, who had been missing for over a year, being out of town (out of sight) for even a minute was decidedly unpleasant. Borderline torturous.

Lucy found herself reaching up, tangling her fingers in the fabric of her jacket. The material was foreign, stiff like leather but softer?

“You’ll be back tonight?”

“Yeah,” Alex’s fingers slid around the curve of her hips. “I promise.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that,” Lucy whispered back, closing her eyes.

The press of Alex’s lips was so familiar she felt herself leaning up instinctively. Year-old emotions flooded her – something warm and soft and insistent tugging at her chest until she slid her hand tangled in the jacket up and onto Alex’s neck. Feeling the soft hairs at the back– feeling how she moaned just a touch at the scrape of teeth against her lip. Feeling the way fingers at her hips dug in which she tilted her body into hers, sinking into her. _Fuck._

“Okay, I really have to go now,” Alex breathed onto her lips, ignoring how Lucy just responded with a coy smile, blunt nails scratching.

“Hurry back,” and then she turned and swaggered away.

The captain blinked. “These women are going to be the death of me,” she muttered into the empty space in front of her.

[…]

It took some wrangling but eventually everyone was settled in the car. Alex was driving – she honestly needed the practice. Kara called shotgun, leaving Ky confused as to why there would be weapons in a civilian vehicle. Alex had just laughed at the question, and the way Kara’s face blanched.

Ky, for her part, took the seat behind her mom. Kara had given her an old iPod and she was _deeply_ fascinated with the thing. The bulky over ear headphones that once belonged to Alex were jammed over her ears before they even pulled out of the DEO underground. Her mom bit back her proud grin at the sound of 90’s punk rock leaking out the sides.

The trip was fine. Kara chose music that made Alex groan and smile in equal parts. Gertrude dropped her head on Ky’s lap the moment the teenager settled. There was coffee for Alex and hot chocolate for the children and it was _nice._ Almost… normal? Except for the 14-year-old alien in the backseat, 27-year-old alien in the front seat, a space pirate driving and an (alien?) dog fast asleep in the back.

Other than that – totally normal.

Alex was soft and happy and smiling. The glowing light of National City summer was streaking in, creating a warm glow. They rolled the windows down and let the wind sweep through the car, and the music slip out the windows. Alex managed to steal the snacks back and even threw some over her shoulder at Ky when she was getting particularly broody – making her smile and wrinkle her nose without fail. And when _Sweet Escape_ by Gwen Stefani came on, both Danvers sisters sang along with a giddy kind of freedom.

They were _together._

When Alex finally navigated up the drive to the too familiar house, the mood only shifted the slightest. Enough to make Kara squint at her sister, but not say anything. She even resisted a teasing comment when Alex hesitated a second, reaching in the wrong direction for the ignition.

In her defense, it had been _four years_ since she drove a car.

No one moved to open doors.

“For the record,” Ky said, pushing the headphones so they dropped around her neck. “You two are giant dorks.”

Alex gave a dramatic gasp, placing a hand over her chest and looking at her sister scandalized. Kara’s smile got _giddy_ at her sister’s antics. “You _dare_ insult your mother?” She twisted to narrow her eyes at her child. “On what grounds do you base these accusations?”

“You sang for, like, half the drive!”

“Beautifully might I add.”

“There were dance moves!”

“I’m very coordinated,” Kara declared, jerking her head so her sunglasses fell onto her nose. A proud smirk followed.

“Ugh, now there are two of you,” Ky muttered, opening the door to escape.

“And you’re one of us!” Alex called, chuckling as the door slammed. She unbuckled and stepped out of the car, Kara a step behind.

All three of them approached the door, Gertrude sniffing the planets curiously. Kara glanced at her sister, who had an arm slung over Ky’s shoulder. Ky, who looked about ready to phase through the floor to escape – which, Kara realized, she _could_.

Alex didn’t look away from the front door, but jostled Ky’s shoulders. “You ready?”

Ky snorted at the familiar words. “Nope,” she half-smiled up at her mom. “Let’s do it.”

Alex laughed back, gave her another squeeze before releasing. “That’s my girl.”

At the door, Alex struggled to curtail the nerves she’d been burying for hours. Rubbing her hands together, she glanced at Kara’s reassuring smile, before knocking. Ky had pushed her fists into her jacket (the same leather one she arrived in) and started to study her feet. Gertrude coming up behind her and pressed her head against the nervous Martians hip.

“Coming!”

Alex felt her heart jump into her throat. She worked _very_ hard not to rock on her heals as her mother’s footsteps approached. This was okay. This was normal. She could do this. _Hi mom, I know you’ve been pretending I’m dead and all but I’m back! Here, meet your fourteen-year-old Martian granddaughter and my alien companion!_

When, exactly, did this become her life?

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting-“

Words died in her throat.

Alex smiled a kind of half awkward, half wincing smile, and just watched the emotion flicker across her face. Watched her take in the hair, and the (visible) scars and the clothes. Watched her comprehend Kara then the strange teenager with the giant dog to her side.

Then she lunged.

Alex actually let out a surprised _umph_ at the force of it.

Her mother _squeezed_ like she would never let go. Like she was trying to merge with her daughter, keep her in her arms forever. Keep her safe forever. She breathed in her scent and pressed her hands into her shoulders and just _held on_.

“Alexandra,” she choked into the embrace. “You’re here.”

“Yeah, mom, I’m here,” Alex assured, patting her back with something south of comfortable.

“Are you _okay_?” She pulled back, holding her at arm’s length. Fingers digging into her biceps. “How are you _here_?”

“I, ah,” she winced, eyes wandering into the house. Unsure where to even _start_ answering that. “It’s a long story, but, on a spaceship?”

There was a pause, where Eliza’s eyes just filled with tears, before something like a sob escaped. Her daughter was yanked back into another too tight hug, where her mother just held on for dear life. Alex exhaled, trying to loosen her chest, before hugging her back.

“Eliza?” Kara cut in softly. “Why don’t we go inside – Alex is right. It’s a long story.”

“Of course, of course,” Eliza muttered, pulling away and still not releasing her eldest. “Come in, all of you.”

Alex was led in by her mother’s hand around her arm, and she resisted the urge to throw her sister a helpless look. If there was ever a time to let her mother be overly tactile, this was it.

Alex was being led ahead, so that left Kara and Ky standing at the doorway. The teenager hesitated, leaning into the house and glancing around unsurely. Kara watched the way her shoulders were too straight and Gertrude whined at her feet.

“Hey,” she said softly, reaching over to place a hand at the back of her shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Ky exhaled and nodded – choosing to believe her.

She tried very hard not to stare, but it was hard. This was so _weird_. She’d only ever known Alex on the Exodus. Only ever known her as this tough, ridiculously capable, sometimes scary, always loving, mom. Seeing her dressed as a tree in a school play, and proudly holding up a trophy in half a wetsuit was kinda surreal.

They were led into a living room. Eliza had already dragged Alex into the couch, hand grasping her shoulder with enough force that her fingers were going white (Ky noted it was lucky she was holding her right arm). Ky and Kara sat across from them, Kara careful to keep her niece in arms reach, but not quite touching (not yet). Gertrude immediately curled up around their feet.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Eliza muttered, eyes still skating her daughters face. “We thought you were _gone_.”

Which, not entirely true. Maggie had carefully explained that no one had actually accepted that but Eliza. That no one wanted that funeral except Eliza. But no one felt able to stop it. Not even Kara – not even when it broke her.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” _god_ her ma was awkward around this woman – _her_ mother. She seemed kinda _uncomfortable_ with the open affection. Which, for Ky, was strange cause she’d always been so _tactile_ with her, and the crew, and now the Superfriends. She’d never seen her shrink away from friendly touch like this.

“How did you get back?”

“Oh, I ah,” another half shrug, eyes skirting to the pair across from them and back. “We’ve been trying to get back since we left,” she explained, swallowing. “But Jer- Cadmus made sure it would take us a while. Or, they tried to make it hard enough to get back that we wouldn’t try.” 

“We?” Only now do Eliza’s eyes dart to Ky, who was pressed deep into the chair, rubbing her thumb into her palm.

“Yeah, we,” Alex let a soft breath escape, turning to look at Ky with a half-smile before looking back at her mom. “Okay, so you know the Time Dilation Effect?”

Eliza’s voice took on that tone her ma’s sometimes did – reiterating science facts like they were the alphabet. “Time doesn’t always elapse at a constant speed but can change on an object which has relative velocity to the observers or situates near a black hole or some other space-time phenomenon.” A pause. “Oh.” Another pause. “You’ve been gone a lot longer than a year, haven’t you?”

 _Now_ Ky saw the relation between mother and daughter. She felt herself relax an ounce, just enough that she didn’t feel like sinking through the floor. Just enough that Kara relaxed too.

“Yeah, mom,” Alex finally reached out to her mother, catching her hands between hers. “It’s been just over four years.”

 _“Four years.”_ Eliza breathed back, eyes damp again.

“And a lots changed since then.”

Another moment, Eliza’s mind whirling as she processed that news.

“I’m sure that has something to do with the teenager sitting in my living room looking as uncomfortable as you do in Church?”

Alex breathed a laugh, head tilting so she could look at Ky from the corner of her eye. “Yeah,” she looked back at the eldest Danvers. “Mom, meet Ky,” Eliza smiled over at the girl. “My daughter.”

Silence.

Ky gave a half wave and a quarter smile, feeling herself leaning towards Kara. Feeling Gertrude press her snout against her calf.

“So, a _lot_ has changed then,” Eliza finally said, smiling at the awkward girl softly.

“I know it’s a lot to process,” Alex started, shoulders tensing again. “But yeah. I adopted Ky a about three years ago, and we’ve been together ever since.”

“Well, okay then,” Alex tensed further when Eliza dropped her hands, but she needn’t have worried. The older woman walked over to the other couch, leaving about two feet between them before she paused, smiling reassuringly down. “Ky, it’s lovely to meet you. I’m Eliza.”

Ky glanced at her mom, mild panic in her eyes. Alex just smiled and tilted her head – _whatever makes you comfortable_. So, Ky stood, still stiff, still keeping one hand in her jacket and jerked out her free hand between them. “Ah, hi.” Eliza resisted an indulgent smile at the offered handshake but reached back. “It’s, you know, nice to meet you too.”

* * *

_Alex reacted before her higher functioning could intervene. One second she was organizing rations, the next her hands were catching a 50-pound box. She felt herself sag under the weight – a horrifying attribution to her current conditions._

_“Hey,” she heaved the box, throwing it onto what was probably the intended countertop. “You might wanna watch the size of the boxes you move, kiddo.”_

_The kid in question blinked up at her, near black eyes narrowing, chin jutting out. “I’m strong enough.”_

_Alex repressed a smile. “Oh, I’m sure you are,” she patted the box with a nod. “But this is also just bigger than you as a person, your balance is gonna be all screwy, no matter how strong you are.”_

_A pause. “Oh,” the kid blinked at the box, which was in fact bigger than them. “Sorry.”_

_The way their shoulders dropped with their voice had Alex paying more attention. Looking closer._

_Most of the kid’s she’d seen on the Exodus were accompanied by adults – or at least older kids. She assumed they weren’t all related – it was just that they were finding authority figures to help – those of the same species, from similar neighborhoods etc._

_This kid she’d seen around before, but never with anyone. Always alone – which explained why they were still dressed in what Alex had to guess were the pajama’s they were kidnapped in. Black sweatpants, a long-sleeved grey waffle shirt, no shoes. Most of the had found other attire from Gruuliv’s supplies – even if they hadn’t, Lyron had been starting to accumulate standardized clothing for the crew. Very few were still as they’d arrived, Alex being one of the exceptions._

_Not one of her privileges yet._

_But this kid needed them. They had been assigned to the kitchen, which meant shoes were a bare minimum. Alex’s protective instincts flared._

_“You alone on-board kid?”_

_They’re eyes narrowed further, and they took a step back. “What’s it to you?”_

_Alex tilted her head. “I’m just wondering.” A pause. “I’m alone, if that makes you feel any better.”_

_“Yeah,” they eyed her carefully. “Cause you’re human.” It sounded like an accusation._

_“I am,” Alex crouched, so she had to look up at the alien. They looked maybe ten? Possibly younger – but it was hard to judge without a species. The unruly chin length hair falling in front of their eyes and hunched frame made distinguishing anything impossible. “My name’s Alex.”_

_“Good for you.” If she had to guess, she’d say the kid was going for snarky, but the darting eyes and twitching fingers gave away anxiety._

_“Alright then,” Alex straightened up – unwilling to make the child feel interrogated or forced. If they didn’t want to talk, who was Alex to make them? She was the reason they were out here anyway._

_“Wait,” Alex turned back around. Biting their lip, the kid thrust a hand between them, eyes challenging. “I’m Ky. You can call me Ky.”_

_Alex took the hand, fighting a grin. “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Ky.”_

_The alien smiled, small and nervous and a little happy. “It’s nice to meet you too.”_

* * *

The ocean had become her safe space after her father ‘died’. The ocean and the sand and the beach. She could just come out here, while most the town still slept, and lose herself in the water.

It wasn’t until years later that she realized she was probably a little reckless. And she was probably in desperate need of some parental supervision. And she was a little broken and scared to be out in the open ocean, alone. But at the time, it was a safe space. Where she could _breath_ and not be responsible for _Kara, Kara, Kara._

Which is probably why Kara suggested they go for a walk along it, while Eliza and Alex talked. The Danvers sisters always found hard talks easier on the move. False sense of momentum – moving forward.

“So,” Alex started, eyes tracking Kara and Ky ahead, chatting between themselves. Gertrude had just about taken off into the sunset the moment the sand hit her feet (she’d never even seen an _ocean_ ). “How are you feeling?”

“Relieved, joyful, lightened…” Eliza replied, voice soft and full of wonder.

“So… happy then?”

“Yes, of course sweetie,” Eliza threaded her arm through Alex’s, her hands jammed in the pockets of her jacket. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Alex exhaled, grinding her teeth for a moment. “Things have changed.”

“For the better, from the looks of it,” and it _did_ look better. Ky was laughing at something her aunt had said, hunching forward with the force of it, prompting Kara to tug her forward with a grin.

“Some things, definitely,” Alex conceded with a gentle smile.

“Alexandra, she’s wonderful. Reminds me of you when you were that age.”

Alex tilted her head, trying to see it. “Really?”

“She’s just as gruff,” Eliza explained with a laugh in her voice. “And a little too serious. But strong – beautiful.”

“She is that,” Alex agreed, heart lifting. “I… I love her mom. I didn’t know what it would be like, I didn’t understand what it was like for you. But… I… I love her like a part of me. Like my heart is just out there, walking around, getting into trouble and causing mayhem.”

“Scary, isn’t it?”

Alex nodded, eyes tracking how Ky stooped to pick up something, which she examined as she caught up with her aunt. “Terrifying.”

Eliza chuckled, tugging on her arm so her daughter was pressed more firmly against her side. “I wish I could tell you it gets better.”

“But it doesn’t?”

“Not even a little,” Eliza watched as Kara took the offered object from Ky, holding it up to the sun as they walked. “Even when they’re practically indestructible.”

“So, you know she’s an alien.”

“I figured as much,” she turned to look at her daughter. “You did find her in outer space.” Alex conceded that with a nod. “How are Lucy and Maggie taking all of this?”

“Oh, ah,” she scratched at the back of her neck with the free hand. Talking about her relationships with her mother had yet to get easier. “Well, they’re on board. But we’re taking it… slow.”

“So, you’re staying with them? Both of them?”

“Yes?” Alex tilted her head to look at her mom with squinted eyes.

“Even Lucy?”

“Yes – I said both of them,” Alex stopped walking, forcing Eliza to turn into her. “What aren’t you saying?”

A pause. A pause where Alex’s thoughts spun away from her. Was this Eliza finally admitting that she wasn’t okay with the poly thing? She’d never been particularly enthusiastic, even though she’d never said anything other than supportive. But that conversation had been… _weird_. A different kind of weird to when she found out about her and Maggie.

When Eliza spoke, Alex almost wished her frantic catastrophizing was right.

“She declared your father a criminal, Alexandra,” she furrowed her brows. Confused as to why she had to explain this… until she realized maybe she didn’t know. Maybe her daughters… _partner_ had failed to mention that after Alex’s disappearance, Director Lane had Jeremiah and Lillian Luthor declared accomplices in a terrorist attack. “After you left, she had Jeremiah put on a _watch list_.”

Alex’s forehead wrinkled as she stared up at her mom. She unwound their arms so she could engage properly. “I know.”

“You _know?”_

“Of course,” Alex resisted a shrug, but it was evident in her tone. 

“And you’re… still with her?”

“Of course.”

The only sounds between them for a minute were the crashing waves and squawking birds. In the distance, Kara worked very hard to keep Ky from looking back, starting a very superpowered game of catch with an overexcited Gertrude.

“How could you do that?”

“Mom…” Alex scratched at her own cheek, letting her eyes wonder while she looked for the right words. “Dad, he put those aliens on that ship – he _stole_ the alien registry. He… he betrayed all of us.”

“Alexandra,” her name sounded like a reprimed now and Alex felt herself slipping into her fourteen-year-old skin. “He’s been a Cadmus hostage for over a decade! You can’t seriously be holding him responsible.”

“I…” Alex glanced down the beach, making sure her kid was happy – distracted. “I do. Mom, I have to. He put _Ky_ on that ship,” she shook her head, squinting against tears. “She was just _ten_ when Cadmus kidnapped her – dragged her kicking and screaming out of a group home and threw her into a cell on the ship. I begged him to stop it, but he… Dad _put her_ on that ship – my daughter.” Taking a final breath, locking eyes with her mom, she made sure she spoke clearly. “I can’t come back from that.”

The edges of Eliza’s eyes pulled, something like pain, something like hurt tugging at her expression. But she set her jaw and exhaled, sharp, just once. “He’s your father.”

“And _she’s_ my daughter,” Alex shot back with has much conviction as she could muster. Her mother’s expression didn’t shift. “Just-“ She rubbed at her face, looking down the beach. “Can we _not_ talk about dad today? Please?”

Eliza stared down at her child. Her eldest. Her bravest. Her stubbornest. She knew that set of her jaw, that lilt of her eyes. If she pushed back now, Alex would come back swinging.

“Of course,” she smoothed down the fabric of her shirt, turning to continue their walk. “So, have you gotten your old job back, or are you considering new avenues?”


	2. Welcoming Committee

_Alex blinked hard into the near pitch black of the bedroom. They’d installed night cycle lights throughout the ship, but they were too bright for the bedrooms. However, the pitch black was disconcerting to almost everyone, alien or no._

_[Lyra’s meltdown in the first few weeks when Lyron tried to enforce a sleeping in designated areas policy had compelled Alex to find a solution. The Valarian wasn’t the only alien refuge uncomfortable in the dark.]_

_So, El had designed and manufactured ‘moon lights’. Essentially, low voltage white lights which could be placed in small corners of the bunks. Alex had to admit, it was much less unsettling then waking each morning to an empty void._

_But it wasn’t morning yet – the cycles hadn’t switched over. There was no flash of light letting her know the hour, there was no bustle outside her rooms._

_So why was she awake?_

“No,” _the muffled sound from across the room had Alex leaning up on an elbow. Ky._

_The low light only gave off enough that Alex could see the shadows of her form. The sheets looked tangled, half off the bed._

“No-“ _it chocked off this time. The rustling of the mattress. Alex found herself swinging her legs off the bed and padding over slowly. “_ Please _-“_

_Alex knelt on the cool metal of the floor, feeling it seep into the material of her sweats. Her hands suspended over the eleven-year-olds form._

“I-“ _the girls words caught in her throat, and she tossed again, spine arching. Something close to a sob clawed out of her throat._

_“Ky, sweetheart,” Alex murmured, leaning up and closer – still not touching._

_“I’m_ sorry _,” she whimpered. Fingers clenching in the bed – leg kicking out – Alex felt herself unable to hold back._

_“Ky, baby,” she touched an arm to her too hot skin, letting her fingers curl around a shoulder. “You’re okay.” Which wasn’t entirely true. Alex had seen enough nightmares, had had enough nightmares, to know that no matter how false or far or fantasied the dream, it stuck with you. It lingered in your consciousness, dragging you down into its murky depths._

_A whimper, followed by a gasped “someone, please,” and another shudder. It ripped through the girl’s body – her fingers digging so hard into the mattress that they penetrated, nails catching on the springs._

_It wasn’t until the small, stuttering “help” that escaped Ky’s lips that Alex gave up all pretense._

_Pretending that Ky was just any other crew member was a daily exercise in denial. Pretending that letting her crash in her rooms, helping her with her science homework, teaching her how to throw a punch, was just a casual relationship was utter nonsense. Alex knew this, on some level, but didn’t have the language, the bandwidth, to articulate an alternative._

_But listening to the girl whimper, the fear that was seeping from her very skin, the curl of her body when the tension left it… unacceptable. No matter the denial, no matter the boundaries._

_Alex felt herself clambering into the single bed before she processed what she was doing. She carefully tucked herself behind Ky, letting her naturally mirror the curl of her body. Letting her press back and shudder and whimper and whine._

_“I got you,” Alex whispered into her hair, pressing her forehead to the back of her head. “You’re safe, it’s okay,” she kept murmuring, feeling the girl relax around her._

_She breathed in the smell of panic and fear and felt her chest contract. Let it sink into her own skin – tried to absorb the hurt. Alex tightened her hold around the girl’s waist, even as she started to sooth, to settle. And she made a promise, a promise that Ky would hear many times over the next three years. Would year for the rest of her life. “I won’t let anything happen – I’ll always protect you.”_

* * *

Ky had… never seen her mother like this.

Like. Arguably, they’d spent more time together than the vast majority of family units while on the Exodus. There wasn’t anywhere to _go_. So, they were close – close enough that even the kids at school could see it (as dumb as they were).

But she’d never seen her mother like this.

She shuffled around the apartment fluffing cushions and squinting at already straight paintings and _dusting_. Ky could not believe she was watching her mother _dust?_

_What the fuck._

This was much worse than the muted anxiety that clung to her on the drive up to Midvale. But apparently, this was normal. Because when Kara arrived early, she was already on damage control. Corralling Alex onto the couch, setting up the food, corralling Alex onto the bar stools when she escaped the couch. Lots of _it’s gonna be okay_ and _remember the human sized bug? You got this._

But Ky didn’t need her aunts super hearing to know that her mother’s heart was going too fast. She was twisting her hands into her sweater and biting her lip and every _single_ sound from the corridor had her jumping. Wincing.

Honestly, it was bizarre.

She hadn’t seen her this stressed… ever. Not even when crew were kidnapped or they were running out of fuel or something went wrong in the engine room. Or maybe, Ky amended, watching how her shoulders curved, this was a different kind of stressed? Like, an attack you know is coming but can’t do a lot about.

Lucy and Maggie arriving was almost a relief, at least it gave her mother’s mind something else to focus on. Kinda. This might the least amount of attention she’d ever paid to the four women in the apartment with her. Maggie and Kara tried to distract her, messing around in the kitchen, but Alex seemed only half interested.

“Hey,” Lucy. Which was… nice. Ky had come to appreciate her more hands-off approach to most problems. She was… less outwardly emotional to the rest of them. Made it easier to breath sometimes. “How you doing?”

Ky just shrugged, eyes still half tracking her mother’s anxiety. Lucy followed her line of sight and frowned. “She usually gets like this when Eliza visits, don’t worry.”

Ky’s eyes dragged down, grimacing. That was the rub – was this about her? Alex had explained the whole _adopted alien daughter_ thing the last time. So… this seemed an excessive response. She can’t have always been like this around her _mom_ right? It had to be Ky.

“Hey, stop that,” Lucy sat on the coffee table, right in front of the Martian. “That,” she waved a hand at Alex’s twitchy form. “Has nothing to do with you okay?”

Ky bit her lip, looking between them. “Then what?”

Lucy exhaled loudly, thinking about how to articulate this. “Alex and her mom have always been light lighter fluid and an open flame.”

“But _why?_ ” Because, even though Ky hadn’t grown up with a mom, she had one now. She Alex was just… always there. She never made her feel anxious or uncomfortable or nervous – she couldn’t imagine being this freaked out over her own mother. Ever.

Lucy didn’t want to say too much, not without Alex’s explicit consent – but she knew Ky needed more explanation. “Before you guys left,” she explained slowly, choosing each word. “It was about Kara, and Alex protecting her.” Ky knew her mom felt responsible for literally everyone, her sister in particular – that came from _her_ _mom_? “And when you guys came back, it was about her dad, and Alex protecting him.”

Something like fear caught in Ky’s chest – her breath leaving her. _Jeremiah._ The man who forcibly deported her. The man who stole her name off a list and had three large, masked men, kick down the room to her dormitory and drag her bodily into an unmarked van. The man responsible for over a hundred Exodus crew deaths.

“Eliza wants Alex to protect him?” She whispered, tension creeping up her shoulders. 

“Eliza still thinks of Jeremiah as her husband, and a Cadmus hostage,” Lucy tried to explain – even when her mind disagreed – even when her heart protested – even when rage welled in her veins. But, even if Alex and Kara were in denial, she could see exactly how this evening could unravel – and Ky didn’t deserve to be blindsided.

“But he-“ she waved a hand around. There weren’t even words.

“I know,” Lucy assured. “I’m not saying it makes sense – I’m just saying that’s what’s happening. This isn’t about you, okay? Alex is just… stressed.”

Which, yes. Ky could see that. Could see that in the way that Maggie and Lucy’s hadn’t brought any booze. In the way Kara was keeping one eye on her sister at all times. Could see that in the way Alex was ruining the sleeves of her jumper one twist at a time. Could see that her mom was being put in a horrible position by _her_ mom.

“Ky, hey,” Lucy said, lowering her voice and waiting for their eyes to meet. She didn’t think she’d ever seen the director look so soft – look so concerned for her. It was… nice? “If things go badly tonight, I got your back okay?” She waved a hand at the rest of the guests. “We all do – but tonight, if you’re uncomfortable or have to leave, just look at me and we’ll find somewhere less intense to be, alright? No questions asked.” 

Ky bit her lip, glancing at her mom one last time before looking back. “No questions asked?”

“Lawyers honor,” and she offered her hand. Her lips turned at the corners with something close to humor when Ky eyed it for a moment. Finally, some of that teenage sass Lucy had come to appreciate washed across the girl’s face.

Reaching back, she shook her hand once. “Not sure what a lawyer’s honor is worth, but I’ll take it.”

Someone knocked on the door.

Ky and Lucy stood up to face the music – it didn’t go unnoticed by the teenager that her mom’s partner put her body indirectly between her and the door. That was… nice?

Leaning around the protective director, she watched in mildly concern as Maggie took a moment to touch a hand to Alex’s cheek, murmuring something to her. Only when Alex nodded back and clambered to her feet did she turn around, running a soothing hand down her wrist.

Kara answered, a muted kind of excitement in her voice. “Eliza, so glad you found the place.”

“Kara,” the older women swept into her youngest’s arms, squeezing hard before pulling back and appraising her. “You look great, sweetie.”

“Thanks,” but Ky knew her aiahv’s genuine smile – that wasn’t it.

“Hey mom,” Alex’s voice was steady, but quiet. It was honestly disconcerting to hear her mom sounding… almost meek? Scared. But she’d seen her mom scared before. This was scared and… small.

“Alexandra,” _Ky_ flinched at that, furrowing her brows at how _everyone_ seemed to find that as uncomfortable as she did. _What the fuck_. Ky had assumed it was an occasional thing, when they’d gone down to Midvale. But Eliza seemed unbothered by it all, stepping forward to accept the hug from her eldest while Kara closed the door and leaned on it. Watching. Waiting.

Everyone seemed to be waiting.

“How are you? You look a little tired, sweetie,” she tucked some of the loose hair away from Alex’s face. Ky felt indignation swell in her chest. Hotter and angrier than she’d felt in a while. _What the fuck._ “Been stretched a little thin?”

“No more than normal.”

“Hey Dr. Danvers,” Maggie interjected, playing peacemaker while everyone else seethed. Just a little. Just enough.

“Maggie,” Eliza turned on the other women, wrapping her in a hug as well. While distracted, Ky made her way around the couch, Lucy a half step behind, to stand just behind her mom’s shoulder.

“And Ky,” Eliza’s smile was genuine. She looked happy to see her – her granddaughter. But Ky didn’t find herself smiling back – she jammed her hands in her pockets and leaned more into her mom’s orbit. “How are you, dear?”

“Can’t complain,” she shrugged, feeling tension curl in her chest.

Lucy came up beside Maggie, tangling their fingers and squeezing. Feeling the tension raise in everyone in the room.

“Director,” Eliza’s voice didn’t _change_. But her eyes narrowed, and she didn’t reach for a hug.

“How was your flight?” Lucy asked, all polite court room smiles.

“Oh, it was fine,” she turned on a heel to grab something resting on her luggage, lifting it up onto the kitchen counter. “A little bumpy, you know how it is,” she smiled pulling out a dish from her suitcase. “Chocolate pecan pie,” she raised the dish with a smile, already opening the fridge to store it.

“Best dessert in the galaxy,” Kara tried for excitement, but landed very far south. “My favorite.”

“I know dear.”

_What the fuck?_

Ky was new to Earth. And to having a family. Having a _mom_. But this felt… wrong. Like they were all out of step. Like every adult in the room was speaking a different language than she was – that there were words under the words that she couldn’t hear and it was making everyone but Eliza varying degrees of _hurt_ and _upset_ and in Maggie’s case _absolutely seething_.

She bumped her shoulder against the back of her moms, trying to knock her out of her silence.

“Would you all mind if we had dinner before the tour?” Eliza asked, eyeing the open plan living space. “I didn’t eat before the airport and I am _famished_.” Ky considered what famished actually looked like with a frown. 

“Course,” Alex answered, expression stiff as her spine.

Everyone bustled to get the table set – Maggie had cooked enough lasagna that even the Kryptonian menace would be satiated. There was salad and garlic bread – it was lovely. And, normally, dinner with these women (sans Eliza) were her favorite meals. They were always so _soft_ and _warm_ and _safe_. Maggie was easy to get along with – she’d been protective since before she knew who Ky was. And Kara had jumped on board the aunt train without a thought, even in her awkward bumbling way. Lucy had been the hardest to get comfortable around, and it was still sometimes a little stilted. But she was sturdy and reliable and always, always, kept an extra eye out for her. Ky _loved_ these women – they were her family. Yet the tension at the table was making her itch to run.

“So, Ky,” her mom stiffened next to her at the head of the table. “How’re you finding school?”

Lucy, directly across from her, winked. It took the edge off enough that she could answer. “Ah, it’s fine,” she shrugged, not looking towards the other head of the table. “Boring mostly.”

“Do you find it challenging?” Ky twisted her lips, moving salad around her plate.

“Not really. On the Exodus…” She winced, trailing off. In the corner of her eye she saw Alex duck her head encouragingly. Smiling for her kid even when she didn’t feel it. “On the Exodus we did a lot of advanced math and science, so those classes are pretty painful.”

“What about English? History? Those are what Kara struggled with when she first got here.”

Ky shrugged again, feeling Kara shift next to her. “It’s fine.”

“Well, how are your grades?” Ky blinked at the sudden sound of warping metal, followed up the clutter of her mom’s fork being dropped.

Alex’s hands steepled in front of her face instead. Lucy’s hand vanished under the table. “Mom.” A warning if Ky had ever heard one.

“What?” Eliza’s genuinely perplexed voice had Maggie grinding her teeth next to the woman in question. “She needs to be educated if she wants a chance at a normal life.”

Kara carefully placed down her cutlery as well, leaning a back a little in her chair. The tension inched up.

“You know I’m an alien, yeah?” Ky asked, glancing around at the _very_ tense table. “Like… normal is kinda a pipe dream.”

“Yes, but your peers don’t know that,” Eliza dismissed, taking a bite.

Ky’s eyes widened, glancing at her mom. “Ah…”

“What?” Eliza looked around, everyone but Alex suddenly uncomfortable. And Alex, keeping fury at bay by the edges of her teeth. “Am I missing something?”

“Ky’s out at school,” Alex responded, keeping her fingers locked together and her eyes set on her mother. The anxiety was gone – washed away by this cold fury in her mother’s face. _This_ was more familiar territory for Ky.

“ _What?”_ The sheer shock and horror in Eliza’s voice had Ky’s stomach dropping. Had her leaning away, pressing her back as hard into the chair as she could. Kara’s hand found her leg, squeezing just once, but not taking her eyes of the verbal battle about to ensue.

“They know she’s an alien.”

“ _Alexandra_ , what were you thinking?” Alex flinched, just barely, at her full name, but didn’t back down. Things had changed, she couldn’t just let her mother steam roll her anymore – not with Ky involved.

“I was thinking that she’s fourteen and entitled to make those decisions for herself.”

“She’s a _child_ ,” which, yeah. Technically accurate. But Ky felt the four years she spent fighting for her life in space entitled her to a little more status then that. “Do you know the risk’s your letting her take?”

“I mean,” Ky interjected, feeling her mother gear up for a fight. She knew that set of her jaw. “I’m a Martian, so if something goes really wrong, I can always switch up the look,” she didn’t add how much she’d personally hate doing that. Didn’t express how attached she was to this version of herself, the one she’d built with Alex, with these people. But her mom looked ready to flip the table, so peacemaking it was.

“It might not be a risk for _you_ , Ky,” Eliza placed her fork down with a snap. “But the risk you are putting _Kara_ in-“

The reaction was instant.

Alex was on her feet, hands pressed against the wood of the table, right fingers whitening. Her chair almost tipped back for how hard she stood. Kara exhaled shakily, squeezing her eyes closed, and pressed her hand a little harder against Ky’s leg – a reassurance. Meanwhile, Maggie went from frustrated to murderous, though she looked down to hide her expression. Lucy was the only one who remained in the realm of calm, eyes carefully taking in her girlfriends rolling fury. But her face was set.

“Stop – don’t even think about finishing that sentence.”

“Alexandra, if people start asking _questions_ about-“

“What?” Alex’s voice was hard. “About my family?”

“Well, _yes_ -“

“More questions than you caused by holding a funeral for me?” Disbelief. “Pretending I was dead?”

“Oh, so that’s what this is about-“

“No, this is about you not _respecting_ this family.”

“How _dare_ you-“

“Did you even ask?” Alex cut in. Her voice quieter than before. Just as furious, just as pained, but more controlled. “Did you ask anyone else at this table what _they_ wanted? Before you put a gravestone with my name on it in the cemetery and held a _burial?”_

“You’re my daughter, it was my decision to make!”

The captain’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t think that Kara deserved a say? That Lucy and Maggie might have had something to add?”

Silence.

“I couldn’t have known you were alive,” Eliza sighed, leaning back in her chair with stubborn pained eyes. “I did what I had to.”

“You don’t have the monopoly on loving me, mom! You barely even have a shareholding.”

Eliza eyes shined, but her jaw set. “We needed closure.”

Alex’s whole body seized with tension. “No, **_you_** needed closure. Anyone else’s needs be damned,” she spat it like a curse. The rage at her mother’s actions tumbling out like acid. “Exactly like when dad died.”

The silence that followed was so complete, all that could be heard was Alex’s harsh breathing. Something like retribution permutated Eliza’s eyes.

“Oh, so we’re allowed to talk about your father now?”

Alex jerked away from the table, eyes finding the ceiling while her fists clenched. She breathed deep and slow for a moment, trying to find the strands of her calm – trying to stitch together a plan that didn’t involve hurting the wrong people anymore then she already had tonight.

Lucy tapped the table gently, just enough that Ky glanced over. She had that serious look from earlier in the night, a question behind her eyes.

Ky nodded. Lucy was on her feet immediately.

“Alex,” her voice was soft but firm. It took a second, but she eventually met her girlfriends’ eyes. “I’m gonna take Ky out, text me when you need us home, yeah?”

The teenager noticed that Lucy wasn’t giving a choice about the taking– just the returning part. Alex looked at Ky for affirmation – that this is what she wanted – that she was good – and then nodded, exhaling carefully. She kissed Lucy’s cheek and snagged Ky’s shirt, pulling her into a quick hug.

Alex held her for a moment, breathing in the fact that her kid was safe, here on Earth with her. And she would never let anything take that away.

* * *

“That was…”

“Rough, yeah,” Lucy finished, leading them down the street.

Ky kicked at the footpath; hands buried in her jacket pockets. “Are they always like that?”

Lucy tipped her head each way. “That was a little worse than normal.”

“Because of Jeremiah?”

“Because of Jeremiah.”

“Oh,” she kicked again, gnawing on her lip.

“Did you know I have an older sister?”

Ky whipped her head around, eyes wide. “Ah… no?”

“Yeah,” Lucy smiled but didn’t turn her head away from the street up ahead. “Her and my dad used to fight like that. All the time.”

“Why?”

Lucy hummed, tilting her head. “After my mom died, my father had two girls he didn’t really know how to deal with. So, he did what any good military leader would,” Lucy smirked. “He instituted a chain of command. Lois reported to him-“*

“And you reported to her?” Ky couldn’t keep the disbelief from her voice. Out of everyone in that room upstairs, Lucy seemed the _least_ likely to accept that kind of arrangement.

“Yeah – it took sibling rivalry to a whole new level,” Lucy looked back at her with a smile. “Drove a wedge between us honestly, and we still haven’t recovered from it. But,” she looked forward again, navigating them towards the closest ice cream place. “She and my dad never saw eye-to-eye on anything – including me. Everything was a fight, every dinner a battlefield. It sucked.”

“Okay…”

“But just because they were fighting about me, or around me, didn’t mean it actually had anything to do with me,” Lucy explained, turning a corner. “At the time I thought it did – I tried to play peacemaker, get between them, but that wasn’t my job. I couldn’t fix what I hadn’t broken.”

“So, you’re telling me not to feel guilty about what just happened?”

“Do you feel guilty?”

Ky shrugged again, watching her feet. “I’m a Danvers’ aren’t I?”

“Hey,” the sudden fingers locking around the zipper of her jacket forced her to rotate, facing Lucy. “Don’t internalize that, okay? Alex’s guilt complex doesn’t have to be yours too.”

“Easy to say.”

“Harder to do – I know. But Alex’s guilt comes from her mom. And her dad. They made Kara her responsibility before she could even _drive_. Before she had a chance to figure out how to be herself. Alex isn’t going to do the same thing to you – not on purpose. And if she is, you need to talk to her about it.”

Biting the inside of her cheek, Ky thought back. Yeah – no matter how bad things got, her mom had made _damn sure_ to keep that as far away from her as possible. Shielded her as much as the Exodus experience allowed. Even now, back on Earth, the pressure to be normal, fit in, get good grade… wasn’t coming from Alex. It was coming from her.

“It’s hard.”

“I know.”

Ky worked her jaw, staring back down at her feet. “I used to…” she shook her head, exhaling. But Lucy waited – silence, the best way to get a Danvers to talk. “I used to think I wasn’t any good. At anything. No one,” her breathing shuddered out. “No one wanted me. When I was in the system – but it was okay, you know? Because, I was alone, and there was no one to disappoint. I only had me, and that was okay, ‘cause I couldn’t let anyone down.”

Roughly, she scrubbed a hand over her cheek, refusing to look at the other woman. But Lucy wouldn’t let go, hands tangled in the fabric of the jacket – keeping them tethered to the moment. To each other. “But Alex just… she saved me during a raid. One of the first ones – they were taking women. They tried to take me – and she wouldn’t let them,” Lucy refused to react to that information. She swallowed the fear and panic and kept her eyes calm and set. “She saved me. And when I was getting forgotten, for rations and classes and stuff, she went _after_ Lyron for it – even though everyone hated her. And when I was too scared to sleep in the bunks and let me crash with her. And it was good – so good. I felt… safe? For the first time ever – even though we were in space and always in danger and I _shouldn’t_ have felt safe. But she made it all okay, ‘cause I wasn’t alone anymore.”

Ky rubbed at her eyes again, a rough hand and looked up and away. Refusing to acknowledge how her voice shook, how her eyes were welling beyond restraint. “And I was… I am, I guess – still scared that imma mess it up – that she’ll realize I’m just this alien kid that no one wanted, and I’ll _ruin it._ ”

Lucy let the moment sit – let Ky’s ragged breathing fill the space between them – before speaking with the tone usually reserved for Kara. “Can I let you in on a secret?” Ky didn’t respond, but Lucy pushed on. “I didn’t want kids.”

The comment surprised Ky enough she actually looked at Lucy, eyes wide and wet.

“I always figured whoever I ended up with would want em, and I’d just go with it. And they’d be beautiful babies don’t get me wrong,” She looked speculatively off to the side with a small smile. “But I never actually _wanted_ kids. In the active sense.”

“Are-“ Ky shook her head. “This is some weird ass pep talk.”

Lucy laughed, looking back at Ky. “I _didn’t_ want kids, Ky,” her smile softened. She tilted her head, other hand coming up to the teenager’s shoulder. “Then I met you.”

Silence. Shocked. Ky just blinked back at her.

Lucy tilted her head in affection. “You jumped into the open ocean because you’re _superpowered_ aunt was having missiles fired at her. You sassed the director of a black ops organization, in her government base, after receiving their medical attention. You’ve _forgotten_ more about mechanical engineering than I’ll ever learn. You are a sarcastic little shit, and I love you.”

The last part was tacked on with such nonchalance that Ky almost missed it. Her breath caught – eyes widened.

“Even if you were right – even if there was some alternatively stupid fucking reality in which Alex Danvers didn’t love you with her entire heart – you will never be alone again. You will never be forgotten or left behind or abandoned.”

Lucy paused, watching the emotion flicker across Ky’s face. “You are _loved_ , Ky Danvers. And not just by your mom. You have an entire family ready to go to the mat for you – because _you_ are a fucking awesome kid, okay? And nothing you _say_ , and nothing you _do_ , will ever change that.”

Ky opened her mouth – to do what, she wasn’t sure – and closed it again. Searching Lucy’s face for some clue, some hesitation, some flicker of regret. Nothing. Just the clear eyes of a woman who spoke her mind without uncertainty. It was the most serious she’d ever seen the director outside of work.

“I thought you were supposed to be the _cool_ one, Lane,” Ky managed to snark out – or tried to snark out. It came out more watery than she intended. More affectionate than she intended.

“Oh, I am,” Lucy smiled back, finally rotating to continue on the hunt for ice cream – though she didn’t release Ky entirely, slinging an arm over her shoulders. “Maggie would have said something much more sentimental.”

Ky snorted, nodding. Trying desperately to tamp down the security blooming in her chest – and failing. Because this, tonight? Tonight is the reason, five years from now, Ky will go to _Lucy_ for advice on how to explain to her partner _how_ she loves them – because Lucy was the first person to teach her how to be loved, even when it was optional.

 _Especially_ when it was optional.

* * *

_“You don’t normally book an appointment – I’d almost thought you weren’t aware of the scheduling system,” Freyer said with a smile, leaning back against the too big chair in her rooms._

_Alex half smiled, but immediately returned her eyes to her wringing hands. Fingers twisting around and around each other. Rubbing, too hard._

_“I have to make a decision,” she spoke downwards, but knew the shrink would hear. She had an uncanny ability in that area._

_“About?”_

_Silence, which Alex knew she wouldn’t fill unless it dragged into discomfort._

_Instead of answering she went with “Ky had another nightmare.” Dancing around the issue. Very mature Doctor Danvers._

_“Which one this time?” Freyer tilted her head, watching how her friend was wincing before she’d even answered. Watching how guilt curled her body._

_“Cadmus.”_

_“Ah,” she put down her pen, crossing her legs. “That seems to be the theme as of recently.”_

_“But-“ Alex blinked, shaking her head. “Why the kidnapping though? The raids and attacks and… violence here – that doesn’t seem to bother her as much?”_

_“Oh, I very much doubt that,” Freyer smiled. Watched this gruff, stoic, moderately scary woman fret over a child who she’d all but adopted._

_“But the nightmares-“_

_“There is a distinct difference between the night Cadmus kidnapped her, and the traumatic events we suffered aboard this ship.” Alex just blinked up at her, brows furrowed. “Ky was alone while in the foster system. When she was taken, there was no one to protect her.”_

_“So, she feels_ safer _on board a spaceship because there are other aliens around?” The disbelief on Alex’s face made Freyer smile indulgently. She briefly wondered whether the obliviousness was an old trait, or whether she developed this insecurity since they took off._

_“Maybe,” Freyer conceded, tilting her head again, softening her eyes. “But, personally, I think it has much more to do with you then any of us.”_

_Alex’s face shifted, furrowing further as she leaned back. “Me?”_

_“You’ve taken her in, have you not? She sleeps in your quarters, she’s on your rotations – you watch out for her. I imagine this is the most secure relationship Ky has ever had. That probably makes her feel safer than anything Earth ever provided.”_

_The doctors jaw worked, eyeing skirting the room as she processed._

_“This made your decision more difficult,” the shrink deduced._

_“Yes – no,” she bit the inside of her cheek. “Maybe.” Freyer just waited, watching Alex agonize and overthink and let her emotions clash around in her head. Eventually she exhaled, closing her eyes against her own words. “I promised to protect her.”_

_Freyer just waited – she figured as much. As big as Alex’s Danvers guilt complex was, her protective streak ran stronger. She’d seen it in action. Seen Alex take too heavy boxes out of other kitchen worker’s hands. Seen her stay up all night with patients, even the one’s she couldn’t save (especially the ones she couldn’t save). Seen her slit a man’s throat for daring to lay a hand on another. Alex Danvers was a warrior, a guardian, but only for a righteous cause._

_“When we get back,” she started slowly, picking her words carefully. “I have to make a choice.” She exhaled slowly, finally meeting her friend’s eyes. “Between my people here, and my family there.”_

_A beat. “And this is a mutually exclusive choice?”_

_Alex nodded, serious eyes communicating the unspeakable. The secret she carried around – about her father. Freyer knew better than to ask._

_“I guess you have to ask yourself,” Freyer dropped her notepad onto the floor, linking her fingers and meeting Alex’s intensity. “Who deserves your protection.”_

* * *

Alex watched the door click closed behind Lucy and still didn’t move. She felt trapped between the words burning in her throat and her desire to bend to her mother’s will – fold away the ugly things Eliza didn’t want to talk about.

But she had a kid now – her own daughter – and that was the priority. Protecting her.

“If you ever,” the words were measured, even as she dragged violent eyes back to her mother. “Suggest that my child’s happiness in _any way_ compromises Kara’s, so help me God, I will ensure you never see her again.”

The threat sat heavy in the air for a moment. Kara shifted in her seat, pinched eyes set on the table. Maggie was alternating between watching Alex and Kara, ready to catch either of them if they fell. She’s suddenly glad Lucy offered to be Ky’s wing-person this evening – the detective didn’t think the pre-existing tension between Eliza and her would be helpful right now.

“Your sisters’ identity is paramount,” Eliza pressed back. Eyes narrow, set on her daughter. She didn’t even get out of her chair.

“Eliza…” Kara tried, but Alex’s fury was a black hole – swallowing everything in the room.

“I know that’s the party line, mom, I do. I’ve been hearing it since I was _fourteen_ ,” she worked her jaw, pressing her good hand flat against the table. “But you’re wrong.”

“How could you possible say that? She’s your _sister_.”

“You don’t think I know that?” Alex asked in absolute disbelief, throwing her hands up. “I know she’s my sister! I’ve devoted half my life to _protecting her_ – and that will never change! You and dad made _damn sure-“_

“There it is again,” Eliza interrupted, slowly pushing back from the table to stand. “Your father.”

“What about him?” Exasperation edged her tone.

“You made your feelings about him _perfectly_ clear last time we spoke, Alexandra.”

“And?”

Silence. Kara shifted in her seat again. Maggie pushed back her chair just a notch, just enough that she could stand if things escalated.

“You clearly haven’t come to your senses yet.” Eliza finished – disapproval and disappointment dripping from her tone in equal parts.

“And what exactly is there for me to realize mom?” Alex spat, crossing her arms with an arched eyebrow. “That the man who raised me and loved me joined a terrorist organization that threatens the life of, not just your _granddaughter,_ but also the daughter you’re so hell bent on me protecting?”

“He’s the victim,” Eliza hissed back, leaning forward. Maggie finally just stood, inching around to stand behind Kara. Kara who had yet to raise her eyes from her barely eaten dinner. “God knows what Cadmus has done to him, is still doing to him! And that _woman_ has poisoned your mind against him.”

“What?” Alex and Kara spoke in tandem, Kara finally snapping her head up to look at her foster mother. Maggie’s hand on her shoulder squeezed. 

“Director Lane,” distain dripped from her voice, even as her lip curled. “Has made your father public enemy number one, when you should be working to _protect him_. And you’re letting her.”

Alex, for the first time, was at a loss for words. She just looked helplessly at Maggie, who sent sad eyes back, shaking her head. There was nowhere but down for this conversation to go.

“Lucy is great Eliza,” Kara protested, frowning up at her. “She’s just doing her job.”

“And is Alexandra just doing her job, by helping her _hunt her father like a dog_?” She snarled back, directed entirely at Alex.

Alex felt her heart clench – the strength of her conviction shattered. That… was exactly what she would do. If there was a sign of Jeremiah, she wouldn’t think twice about sending a team out to get him. Dead or alive. She’d all but signed his death warrant years ago, alone on the bridge of the Exodus.

“That’s not fair,” Kara started, but Alex stopped her with a raised hand. She needed to say this. She needed her mother to _hear this_.

“The man that I loved,” Alex started, eyes reddening even as conviction re-entered her voice. She wasn’t yelling now; she was articulating carefully. Making sure each word was understood. “Hasn't been a father to me in… years. And yes, we were so close that we could just...” she lost eye contact – searching for the words – before locking back on her mother. “We could finish each other's sentences. But his obsession with keeping Kara safe – his obsession with keeping _us both_ safe, changed all of it.”

Alex exhaled, hard out of her nose, putting a hand up between them, palm facing the table. “Nothing else mattered to him – least of all me. The day he _forcibly deported_ 343 innocent people, _including_ me and _your granddaughter_ , he gave up his right to my protection,” she paused, fighting the urge to scream, run, hit, shoot. Fought the memories of the hundreds she’d held bleeding, the dozens she’d helped bury, the blood that was on her hands because of her father’s actions. “He gave up the right to be my father. He gave up the right to my protection. He made his choice and now I have to make mine.”

“And mom?” She looked into Eliza’s eyes for a moment, just to make sure she heard this. “I will choose _this_ family _._ Every time.”

That hung in the air like a threat. Like a death sentence.

“Well,” Eliza wiped her hands on her slacks. “It seems you’ve made your choice then.”

No one responded – even Kara when her foster mother looked directly at her. Kara just leaned back into Maggie, finding her solid warmth - the only thing keeping her bound to this earth.

They all watched in muted shock as Eliza gathered her coat, her luggage, and strode out of the apartment. She didn’t even slam the door on her way out.

Silence sat heavy in the room, Alex still staring at the spot across from her where her mother had been. Kara turned to look at her sister, listening to her thudding heart and too harsh breathing. Maggie just rubbed at Kara’s arm, eyes flicking between the sisters.

Eventually Alex let out a shaky breath, rubbing at her face with both hands, before turning red eyes to the Kryptonian.

“Kara, I’m so _sorry_ ,” she started, tears thick in her voice. “I didn’t mean that you weren’t important to me, or that I resent you coming into my life, I just-“

She never finished whatever that apology was going to turn into, because Kara’s arms wrapped around her with such force it knocked the stupidity right out of her.

The moment her sister’s arms were around her, Alex cracked – the edges of her pain and fear and hurt splintering her apart. The sob that wrenched itself out of her throat was so harsh it burned. And Kara just held on – keeping her sister upright even as she dissolved.

Her mother had excavated old and new doubts– impossible expectations scattering her mind. She had to choose – she couldn’t be everything to everyone without fracturing herself into nothingness. Into insignificance. Mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend, captain, agent, doctor, _person_. The weight of responsibility and love and _family_ tearing her apart.

And so she just let her sister hold her up – borrowing her strength until she had enough of her own.

* * *

Lucy was half a step behind Ky when she shouldered her way into the apartment. Four different flavored tubs of ice cream perilously balanced in her hands. Ky was still laughing at her antics when she stumbled through the door, her own pint already open, plastic spoon jammed in her mouth.

“Ya think we have enough?” Ky asked around her chuckling, kicking the door closed behind Lucy when she stepped through. She took one of the top pints to prevent sugary disaster and placed it on the kitchen counter.

“I’ve been feeding the Kryptonian for over a year – I assure you, we don’t,” Lucy huffed, tongue sticking out as she carefully maneuvered her stash onto the flat surface.

Ky nodded agreeably, scooping something called _Rocky Road_ into her mouth with a hum. Earth was a bazar place.

It was only then that she realized the apartment was quiet. Turning around, spoon still in her mouth, her eyes locked with Maggie’s amused ones. She was sitting on the couch, hand carding her mom’s hair, who was sitting on the floor. Her aunt’s head was resting on her sister’s shoulder, eyes closed. They had a blanket spread across both their laps, and the fire blazing. Alex herself was also watching her partner and kid enter with their stash, eyebrow arched.

“Ah, hey guys,” she called around her spoon.

“Got yourself a nutritious dinner substitute I see,” Alex responded, tilting her head.

“Ah…” Ky glanced back at Lucy’s unapologetic eyes. “We got vegan for Maggie?”

“Gimmie,” Maggie made grabby gestures with her free hand, grinning.

Lucy laughed, and snagged a vegan and a brownie fudge flavor for her respective partners. Tossing Alex hers, Lucy immediately clambered behind Kara, laying her head in Maggie lap, spoon digging into the dairy free goodness to share with the detective.

Ky grabbed the Cookie Dough for Kara and a bunch of spoons before heading over. She paused at the edge of the group of cuddlers suddenly feeling out of place. Out of step.

But then Alex was smiling up at her and shrugging a shoulder to make Kara shift and they separated to create space between them. Alex lifted the blanket, nodding for her to join them.

Ky felt embers of warmth spark in her chest, her smile tugging at her as she made herself comfortable between her mom and aunt. Kara immediately snagged the ice-cream, ripping open the lid and licking the seal with a kind of childish glee. Alex set hers to the side, letting Ky get comfortable before placing a hand on her thigh.

Ky looked up from the corner of her eye, half meeting her mom’s gaze. “I’m sorry I lost my temper,” she bit the side of her cheek before exhaling. “I shouldn’t have put you in the middle of that and I won’t let it happen again.”

“It’s okay,” Ky shrugged, staring into her pint.

“No, it’s not,” Alex shifted, turning her body so she was more fully facing her kid. “It’s my job to protect you, and I shouldn’t have let my issues with my mom get in the way of that.” She paused, watching how Ky was still quiet, still in her own head. She reached over to tug at the ends of her hair. “Are you alright, love?”

The teenager didn’t say anything immediately, but she could feel Kara and Maggie’s eyes on her as well. Lucy was too busy digging for caramel clusters.

“Yeah,” she shrugged, swirling the rocky road around. Her mind was still caught between Lucy’s reassurances and her own insecurity – still catching on the negative thoughts of her childhood, of her abandonment. But Director Lane was nothing if not convincing and Ky found herself involuntarily relaxing – trusting. “I’m sorry your mom’s so difficult.”

Alex breathed a laugh, knocking their shoulders together. “Me too.”

“But hey,” Kara muttered around a mouthful of cold sugar. “As long as have each other, right?”

Ky looked up at her mom when she responded, smiling softly at the gentle look in her eye. “El mayarah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Extra points to anyone who knows where I stole this dialogue from. 
> 
> And let me know what you guys think! I re-wrote small portions of this to try and fit some of your ideas and wants in, so I hope it came through authentic enough! Chapter 3 is still under heavy construction, and 4 is almost entirely unwritten but it shall come (did anyone notice I made this 5 chapters, instead of 4? That's just cause I can't count not because I added more content, soz)


	3. When Worlds Collide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not entirely happy with this but honestly I wanna work on chapter four more so enjoy!
> 
> Warning: some death and surgery stuff? Nothing major and all characters are unharmed.
> 
> PS: each of these chapters is a relatively significant time jump. Chapter two is months after one. This is over a year after one.

# 3\. When Worlds Collide

_Ky startled awake so hard Alex had to muffle a grunt._

_Her needless breath was coming too fast – too sharp, too hard – heart pounding. It took whole seconds to realizing that Alex was wrapped around her, holding her against her chest with enough force that she felt tethered to the room. Tethered to her- to Alex._

_Ky breathed into the open space, trying desperately to let the tension bleed out of her body. Trying to convince her scattered scared thoughts that she was in the Exodus, she was safe, she wasn’t screaming into a gag while rough violent hands grabbed at her._

_“You’re okay,” Alex murmured, chin on her shoulder, elbow at her hip, hand pressed against her against her chest_ _, keeping her anchored. “Just breathe, I got you.”_

_Ky listened, focusing on the feel of Alex’s heartbeat against her back, the sound of her breathing against her ear. Focusing on how safe she felt, even with the edges of the dream lingering on her skin._

_Eventually, she relaxed, melting a little under her mother’s care. Heart slowing, breathing evening, fingers unclenching. Safe safe safe._

_“Cadmus again?” Alex asked softly, not releasing her hold. Keeping her hand firmly pressed against the almost twelve-year-old’s heart._

_Ky just nodded, pressing the side of her face into the pillow and squeezing her eyes shut._

_“They can’t hurt you anymore, Ky.”_

_“You don’t know that,” her voice was gravel – she might have been screaming again. Hard to be sure._

_“I do,” Alex assured, pressing the sides of their heads together. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”_

_“Even if we get back,” Ky whispered, scared to speak her fears too loudly. “Cadmus will always come after us.”_

_A long pause, Alex’s arm tightening. “I guess I’m going to have to stop Cadmus then, huh?”_

_Ky half laughed, pressing her shoulders back against the warmth behind her. “You’re pretty badass Alex, but I don’t think you can take down Cadmus all on your own.”_

_Another long pause. Ky could feel the tension changing in the room, but she fought to stay where she way. Fought the urge to turn around and look her mom in the eye. “I don’t need to take down all of Cadmus, just the brains behind the operation.”_

_“And you know who they are, do you?”_

_Silence. This time loaded. Ky couldn’t resist anymore, pulling herself out of the other woman’s arms and turning, raising herself up on an elbow to look down at Alex. There wasn’t a lot of light in the room, but Ky could still see the pinched expression on her face. “What?”_

_Alex reached up, tucking some hair behind the girl’s ear and letting her hand linger, resting her palm against her cheek. “I know who the leaders of Cadmus are because my father is one of them.”_

_She spoke steadily, calmly. But Ky had known Alex almost two years – she knew that this was the calm mask she wore when telling patients they wouldn’t make it – the mask that always slipped away the moment she entered training rooms and beat her knuckles bloody._

“What?”

 _“My father, Jeremiah, was the one who stole the registry,” Alex explained, watching the girl’s expression for the betrayal. The disgust. “He’s the reason they were able to send us so far away. That’s why I was there, that day,” she let her hand drop. “I was trying to stop_ him.”

 _“Your_ dad _is a bad guy?”_

_A pause. A sigh. “Yes.”_

_Silence, Ky’s expression wrinkling as she thought through the implications of that. “And you’d stop him? For… for us?”_

_Another silence, where Alex finally smiled. A soft, hurting smile, but a smile, nonetheless. “You’re the ones that deserve protecting.”_

* * *

Stories seem to always start with _it was a routine mission_. But this one – this disastrous ending – was not routine at all.

In fact, it was a historically fucking weird.

“You cannot be serious,” Lucy protested, eyes skeptically taking in her relaxed girlfriend.

Alex, for her part, didn’t even straighten up. She was leaning back in the rolling desk chair, hands clasped in front of her, eyes locked on the screen. “What? It’ll work.”

“You’re serious,” Lucy muttered, rubbing at her eyes. The headache was already forming.

“I mean,” Vas muttered, examining the schematic. “She’s not _wrong_. This would be impossible without their help.”

“Oh my god.”

Alex chuckled, tilting her head to eye her girlfriend. “I know its unorthodox-“

“Unorthodox!” Lucy threw her hands up. “You’re talking about an entirely alien DEO team being sent into a known Cadmus site.”

“And?” She arched an eyebrow, smirking just around the edges.

“They’re _aliens_!”

“And DEO Agents,” Alex countered, still not riling herself up to meet Lucy’s energy. She shrugged, tilting her head back to the screens. “They’re trained for this, just like the rest of us.”

“But this is a _Cadmus_ site!” Lucy protested, thrusting a hand at the screen. “They’ve all been sent to the _other side of the universe_ by Lillian Luthor and you’re suggesting they be the exclusive team to breach a potential headquarters?”

“We can _totally_ do it!” A new voice interjected, strolling into command. “You can’t send humans in there; they’ll destroy anything useful before they got to the front door.” Lucy rolled her eyes as El hopped up onto the central console, ignoring the many warnings she’d received about treating their equipment with a modicum of respect (even if it was archaic human technology). She swung her legs and smiled Vas, who smirked back. 

Lucy sighed, sensing that this battle was slipping through her fingers. “What would you suggest then?”

Alex tilted her head, narrowing her eyes at the intel – but it was Drew that answered, approaching in full DEO tac gear with a smirk.

“Scho’ty could get us above without anyone noticing,” they halted just behind Alex shoulder, crossing their arms. “If we could get someone in the front door to place a beacon, Ve could one-way portal in before they knew what hit ‘em.”

“Who would go in the front?” Vas asked, pulling up the images they had of buildings exterior. It was a fortress, only one entrance in and a loading dock. While nether were guarded, there were security camera’s _everywhere_ – they would be on alert the moment someone was on the grounds. El was right, Lucy was at loathe to admit, no ordinary team could get close.

Alex spun a little in her chair to look at El properly. “Thinking Lyra or Leeroy?”

El tilted her head, squinting a little. “Lyra would attract more attention once inside, but Leeroy is _way_ more of a wild card on a stealth entry.”

“Lyra?” Lucy asked, looking between the two.

“She’s Valarian,” El explained while Alex spun back to looking at the screens. “They can’t be detected by human cameras.”

“Of course, she can’t,” Lucy muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. Sometimes, she truly regretted agreeing to hire Exodus crew. They were one big weird catastrophe waiting to happen – the captain included.

“So, Lyra just walks up to the front door, lets herself in and creates an inside entry to the building?” Vas recaps. “Then what? This complex is massive, you need at least two teams to infiltrate effectively without mass destruction of evidence.”

Drew hit the side of Alex’s shoulder with the back of their hand. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Mar 8?”

“Yep,” Drew’s smile got this side of manic.

Lucy felt her sanity slip away. “Do I dare ask?”

“Mar 8 was a mission from a few years back,” El explains, legs swinging. “Big complex, lots of guards – but we split into three teams of three and swept the entire thing without alerting the rest of the complex.”

Vas spun in her chair, giving El her full attention. “How did you manage that? If any of them get a report off, then the whole operation is blown.”

“Darla.”

“Your ship?”

“Our ships _consciousness,”_ El corrected, leaning forward until Vas bit her lip. “If someone gets to their central comm’s system, she can shut the entire thing down. Bam! No communication.”

“And then nine agents sweep the entire building?”

“And then you can bring in your human reinforcements while we _start_ clearing the entire building,” El grinned at Lucy. “We aren’t _magic_.”

Lucy glared for a moment, before relenting. Looking up at the schematic, she acknowledged that this was the best plan they had. It was too complicated an entry, too much room for error – the more alien help they had the better chance they had at success. And this was an important op – they knew _something_ hinky was going down there. Winn’s scans picked up radioactivity, and there had been shipments of medical supplies. But no one had come or gone for over a week. Combined with Maggie’s intel about missing aliens around the same time this place’s power came back on – they had to breach.

“Who would you take?” She finally asked, directing this at Alex. They only had five Exodus field agents cleared for missions, excluding Lyra who was apparently being drafted.

Alex titled her head, thinking for a moment. “I’d suggest three teams, one senior human DEO agent to each. So, Exodus crew would be pairs; Lyra and Drew; Ve and Craig; Lincoln and… I don’t know. Yonder?”

Drew scratched at their eyebrow already nodding. “Can’t believe I’m stuck with Miss Anger Management but sounds solid.”

Lucy frowned, looking down at her girlfriend. Still leaning back in her chair, relaxed and focused on the screens. “You’re not volunteering Danvers?” And yes, Alex had been less gung-ho since she got back. Less reckless – less ready to jump into the line of fire. But this seemed like exactly the kind of mission that she needed. Alex had mentioned feeling out of sync with pre-existing DEO teams – but only in the safety of their apartment, when she was Lucy, not Director Lane (not that it helped her keep calm when Alex was on assignment).

“I’m not really necessary,” Alex shrugged.

“I mean,” El jumped from the console, dancing around to lean by Vas. “You’re _technically_ the inside-man.”

“Seriously?” Humor lined the agent’s tone.

“Yeah Cap,” Drew laughed. “You’re a local!”

“What are you nut jobs talking about?” Lucy finally cut in.

“An inside-man,” El explained, grinning at the director. “Is whoever on the ship had the best chance of understand the language and culture of the planet we were on.”

“And for the first time, that happens to be our fearless leader!”

“You guys can’t be serious,” Alex spun around, finally sitting properly in her chair to fix Drew with a skeptical look. “You’re entirely capable of running this op from the ground, and most of you have been on earth for years.”

“Actually,” Lucy interrupted, noting that Drew’s grin spoke of a joke rather than an argument. “I’d prefer to have you on the ground if this is going to be an Exodus dominant operation.”

Alex narrowed her eyes at Drew before finally nodding with a sigh. “Fine, okay. Sounds like a plan. El,” she spun back around, looking back at her friend. “You okay to run this side of the operation? I need someone familiar with Darla to interface with DEO command.”

“Only if you’re okay sharing Vasquez?” El asked, smirking at the other techy.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” and Lucy would _swear_ her tone with borderline flirty.

Alex nodded, already standing to drive out to the Exodus. She had a team to prepare. “Tomorrow then.”

* * *

_Tonight_ , found Maggie arriving home late, catching a case right at the end of her shift. She yawned as she shouldered into the apartment, slowly placing her keys in the bowl rather than dropping them. It was well into the night; everyone should be asleep.

And yet, the moment she kicked off her boots, Gertrude trotted out of the hallway, likely from Ky’s room. She was in an entirely normal form this evening, looking every bit the golden retriever that she was not as she sat before her companion’s partner. Maggie crouched, scratching behind both ears with both hands.

“What you are doing up girl?” She muttered, patting her side as she stood. The house was quiet, all the blinds drawn. The only light was by the couch – the side lamp they left on when one of them was out late. Normally Gertrude slept mostly on top of Ky, this side of crushing her, to take the edges off any of the teenager’s anxiety. It was rare the alien would greet any of them after lights out.

It was the dog-shaped-creatures whine that gave it away.

Shrugging off her jacket and the lingering exhaustion, Maggie made her way to the master bedroom, Gertrude a half step behind. Opening the door carefully, silently, she dipped her head in and felt her heart stutter.

The strangest thing about Alex’s nightmares since she got back was how _quiet_ they were. Before the Exodus, the agent had been… not loud per say. But vocal enough that she woke at least one of her partners long before the thrashing or sweating started. Nowadays? The only sign she was in the grips of a night terror was the way her body tensed. Often arching under the panic that caged her body.

Maggie could see that Alex was as stiff as a board, neck straining as it bowed. The sheets had been dragged away, tangled around her waist, giving Maggie a view of her arms pressing down into the mattress. The way her left arm, sans the bionic, was shuddering made it clear the nerves were firing, sending bolts of agony up to her shoulder.

Lucy was already awake, still half under the covers, one hand pressed against Alex’s chest while she whispered into her ear. They knew better then to shake her awake by now – she needed to be drawn out, quietly, carefully. Any attempt to jar her from a nightmare resulted in panic attacks that could last hours. The shock of being yanked from a cage millions of light years away into her bedroom too great for her system to comprehend.

Maggie stripped out of her jeans as quickly as she could, tugging her shirt over her head as she carefully edged onto the bed next to Alex. Lucy glanced up at her with tense lips, eyes wet and worried. Gently, the detective pulled her bad arm away from her body, knowing that the longer it stayed tense the more pain it would cause – the worse the nightmare would feel. Practiced, she pressed her thumb along the tender part of the stump, easing the muscles with as little pressure as she could. Meanwhile, Lucy moved her hand from Alex’s chest into her hair, pressing her forehead against her temple as she continued to murmur into her ear. Nonsense really – just the sound of her voice as comforting as she could manage when pain burned through both her partners.

The combined attention of the two, and Gertrude at the foot of the bed, head resting on Alex’s legs, eventually had the captain sinking into the bed. Her neck, gradually, slowly, achingly, relaxed. Her spine straightened. Her arm continued to tremble (as it would for at least another hour), but it stopped pressing against Maggie’s hold. Inch by inch, Alex calmed, until she slowly shuddered a breath, blinking open her eyes.

“Sorry,” her voice was gravel, focus locked on the ceiling.

Lucy pressed a kiss to the short hair over her ear while Maggie responded softly. “Don’t apologize Danvers.”

She exhaled again, flexing her available hand as she forced her heart to slow.

“Wanna talk about it?” Lucy asked.

“Gruuliv,” she forced out, jaw clenching hard against the burning in her eyes.

“Haven’t seen that one before.” Alex shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut. Maggie caught the single tear that escaped from her good eye. “We don’t have to talk about it, Danvers.”

“No, it’s-“ she shook her head again, forcing herself to look over at Maggie, feeling Lucy tuck her chin onto her shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m sorry – your right. It’s, just, ah, been a while since I thought about it.”

Maggie smiled down at her, not releasing her bad arm but running her finger up is to wrap around the base of the joint. She squeezed, once, just to let her know she was listening. That she was here.

“I… I don’t know what brought it on.”

“You’re going into Cadmus tomorrow,” Lucy offered, dipping forward to kiss exposed skin at shoulder, right over the raised skin of her brand. “That’s bound to trudge up some trauma.”

“And Gruuliv was one of the first incidents, right?”

Alex nodded, looking back at the ceiling. “ _The_ first, yeah,” she exhaled shakingly. “Eighteen people died.” A pause where she clenched her jaw. Hard. “Two kids.”

Neither of her partners winced – they’d long since stopped outwardly reacting to the horrors of Alex’s time in space. But Maggie’s stomach turned, and Lucy’s throat constricted.

“I know I asked you to run the op,” her voice was low, a little guilty if Maggie had to venture a guess. “But if you don’t think-“

“No,” Alex interrupted turning and sitting up a little, forcing Lucy to lift her chin and lean back. Maggie released her arm, letting her rest it on Lucy’s hip. “No, it’s okay. I’m good for tomorrow.”

“Alex…”

“Hey,” she pressed their foreheads together, and the detective could see that she was offering the smallest of smiles. “I’m a badass remember? I got it – don’t worry about me.”

“I will always worry about you,” Lucy protested, but closed her eyes. Accepting the soft contact – leaning into her partner. Who was alive and breathing and _right here_.

“I know,” she pressed a soft kiss to her lips before pulling back, waiting for Lucy to look at her. “But I’m okay – tomorrow will be fine.”

Which, Maggie should have known. Right then, as she pressed a kiss to Alex’s back, right over the Earth tattoo, she should have known. The moment a Danvers sister said that everything would be _fine_ , everything will inevitably go to hell.

But instead, they let the silence take them. Let the fear and anxiety dissipate as Alex settled back down, Maggie automatically curling against her back. Lucy inched away, giving Alex room to breathe, but took her hand, smiling softly as the longer strands of her hair fell forward into her face. Gertrude laying guard at the end of the bed.

And they slept - Alex pressed between them in case the lurking shadows of her dreams reached back for her. Both her partners should have known. Known not to trust. Not to relax. To read this nightmare like the omen it was. 

Because tomorrow – tomorrow was going to be one of the worst days of Alex’s life.

* * *

Alex stood in the locker room and fought the vague sense of wrongness. There was something deeply unfamiliar about tightening the bindings of her Exodus armor in the DEO – the sounds of other agents showering and chatting rather than the hum of an engine and the clang of military boots on metal floors.

Scho’ty flown the Exodus to the dessert bases’ loading bay that afternoon and Dryl had all but shoved her old armor into her arms. His expression hadn’t changed, but she knew him well enough to see concern around his eyes. Yet, he spoke about how an Exodus mission called for Exodus uniforms – so she tugged on her stiff, alien suit and tried not to feel out of place. 

“Hey, you,” Alex turned, fingers still ticked into the diagonal hem, to see Lucy leaning against the doorway. She’d dressed in DEO blacks that morning –a pleasant sight. “Need a hand?”

She removed her fingers, smiling gently. “Sure.”

Lucy pushed over the frame and into Alex’s space. Nimble fingers started to tug at the edges of the thick cord that held the entire outfit together. The Agent tilted her head up, giving her space to work, but that didn’t stop her from inhaling Lucy’s subtle perfume. Feeling it curl in her lungs and settle her heart.

“How are you feeling about today?” Her tone was deliberately neutral – it was only the context of last night that made Alex aware of her anxiety.

“Fine,” she shrugged as best she could in the dense material.

“Everyone else prepped?” She yanked at the base of the binding, pulling the cord as taught as it would go before tying quick efficient knots.

“Yeah, my crew are suiting up now. Your guys ready?”

Consciously choosing not to comment on the possessives used, Lucy nodded. Taking half a step back she placed her hands over Alex’s chest, just below her shoulders. “They’re gathered at central command waiting for your final run-through.”

Nodding, Alex reached down for her exterior belt, settling one side over a hip and the other through a loop in the side of her pants, making sure weapon holder was at the right angle. “Anything I need to know?”

Lucy’s eyes tracked the unfamiliar outfit as she shook her head – mind spinning back to that first day. When Alex arrived. Landed. Got home. How she’d been in these same clothes, too thick and unfamiliar to be Earth based, but strong enough to protect her against being catapulted through a brick wall. She internally considered that they should be investigating this material for the DEO. Meanwhile, her body buzzed with the memories of seeing Alex for the first time in a year.

And now she was headed back to Cadmus.

“You okay Luce?” Her voice was soft – the soft reserved for outside the office. The soft of her girlfriend, not her Supervisory Agent.

She straightened her shoulders and took a half step back. “Fine,” her jerked her head towards the exit. “We should get going.”

Alex nodded, straightening the sleeves of her shirt as they walked – it had been almost a year since she’d worn it.

While they walked around the couple of winding corridors before central, the Agent shook off her discomfort. Shook off _Alex Danvers_ and became _Agent Danvers_ – shed her exterior for something more lethal. Something less human. 

Kara in bright red, blue and yellow rocking on her heels by central command and _waving_ did not help the process.

“Alright,” Lucy actually raised an eyebrow at her changed tone – strong, convincing, calm. More Captain Danvers than Agent, if she were honest. “We all clear on the entry details?”

The near dozen Agents and Lyra nodded. Alex noted that the Exodus guys could not look less professional – all leaning against consoles (or on top of them in El’s case) or setting strangely in chairs. It appears the three months of intensive DEO training had yet to beat the cockiness out of them. But, she supposed, they had all mostly earned it. “Lyra is going to head in first, with us waiting in the sidelines. Anything goes south, we breach. Anything seems off, we breach. Any hint that she’s in danger, we breach.”

“You almost sound like you _care,_ Cap,” Lyra purred from her place on a rolling chair, legs spread face giddy.

Alex glared back. “ _You_ are responsible for getting in undetected, finding a loading point for Darla _and_ placing a beacon for Ve,” she narrowed her eyes a little further. “You think you can handle that?”

Lyra shrugged in her typical unaffected manner and the only thing that kept annoyance flaring is four years’ experience and knowing that, if anything, Lyra was a survivor.

“We are portal jumping in, then separating into three teams. You’ve all been assigned?” The nods, a little stiff from the more senior (human) DEO guys. Alex looked between them – she knew them all. Good people – people she’d trusted with her life five years ago. She could trust them with her new crew as well.

“Spread out, clear rooms carefully,” she fixed Drew then Craig with looks. “Don’t be idiots, and we’ll be fine.”

Lucy stepped up beside her, eyes serious, arms cross. Alex relaxed hers to hook behind her back, deferring to the Directors authority with a step back. “You have clearance to use lethal force, though restrain yourself wherever possible. Dryl has provided us with several non-lethal knock-out chemicals, which you have all been inoculated against this morning. Supergirl is on standby, but I’d prefer not to call in the big, destructive guns. Please try to leave at least some evidence for us to investigate?”

Everyone nodded, and her guys lifted off their resting positions. “Cap,” Alex fought an eye roll at Drew – she’d been bugging everyone to stop calling her that, especially at the DEO. She’d have better luck getting Kara to eat Kale. “Catch,” they tossed her axe – she’d asked them to sharpen it while she dressed. Alex gave it an experimental twist, settling more then she had in any other DEO mission, even though she had her M4 waiting on the Exodus.

She slipped it into her belt ring, letting the blade catch against the metal circle and the hilt rest against her thigh. She exhaled slowly.

“An axe?” Agent Reed asked, raising an eyebrow at his old Supervisory Agents choice. He’d noticed that the other Exodus dudes carried more melee then was standard, but Alex-hand-me-the-rocket-launcher-Danvers, carrying such a basic weapon? “Really Danvers?”

Alex smirked, just a little, and answered before she remembered who was present. That her sister and girlfriend were inches away – and how they would share a slightly surprised, very pained look at what was about to follow. Turning on her heel to march towards the Exodus, Alex spoke loud enough for her voice to carry; “Gun’s run outta bullets…”

Every Exodus crew chimed in – completing Lyron’s most famous and irritating slogan as one; “But I can swing an axe ‘till I’m dead!”

* * *

Lucy worked _very_ hard not to let Kara’s nervous energy infect her. But having a giant puppy with superpowers and in bright _primary colors_ twitching and bouncing inches to your right was very hard to ignore.

“Would you just sit?” She finally snapped, fixing her with an exasperated look.

“I don’t understand _why_ I’m hanging back,” Kara whined, for the fourth time.

“You could be there in less than forty seconds,” Lucy looked back at the monitors, noting that El was still typing code and interfacing with Darla. “And this requires stealth.”

“I can be stealthy!” Which, would have been more convincing if the superhero hadn’t thrown up her hands in wild gesticulation and crashed into a rolling chair, sending her spinning towards Vas.

“You put your foot through my coffee table last week.”

“That wasn’t my fault!” Kara scooted in a very adult fashion back to her sister. “Ky just keeps _walking through walls_. I don’t know how to get used to that!”

Lucy shrugged, noting that Vas had pulled up comms and vitals for the entire team. Alex’s were steady. “Me and Maggie seem to be managing.”

“I think she does it on purpose,” Kara pouted – though it wasn’t genuine. Kara loved that kid like her own. And, also, Lucy knew _for a fact_ that Ky did it on purpose - She’d long since stopped phasing through walls unnecessarily when it was just the triad home. Ky just liked to startle her superpowered aunt. She found something amusing about unbalancing the most powerful woman in the world enough to put her foot through coffee tables.

Maggie and Lucy had a running bet about whether she’d eventually scare Kara enough to get her to swear properly.

“Lyra’s on the ground,” El informed, looking much too relaxed for the situation. Lucy found herself stepping closer, putting barely a meter between herself and the monitors, Vas and El right between them. She was keeping her Director mask on… but it was not natural.

 _Alex is going into Cadmus_ echoes in her head like taunt.

“I’m in,” any other situation, Lucy would have laughed at the covert op’s voice the alien was putting on for the benefit of the comms.

“Can you find some internal hardware to plug Darla into,” Vasquez asked, fingers at the ready. “It’s an internal circuit, but all we need is one access point.”

“So, like another camera?”

“As long as it’s not wireless, yep!” El replied, spinning in her chair.

Some rustling was heard over the line before a mutter curse and an _aha!_ That had Lucy wincing. This was a covert, black ops, mission and the phrase _aha_ should not be uttered. Dear lord, this was a travesty.

“We’re in,” El grinned, immediately dragging herself back to the computer. “Darla, you gettin’ this?”

“Yes.”

“Can you give us eyes inside?”

“Yes,” a moment and the entire screen was filled with camera, only leaving the team’s vitals on either side.

“Coolio!” El spun around to grin up at the stoic Lucy. “All yours Director!”

Lucy gave herself a moment to just breath. Inhale and exhale. Look at Alex’s vitals. They were stable. “Vas, can you find a safe place for the team to enter?”

Her 2IC was already typing, eyes tracking the cameras and the very basic schematic they were able to find in city records. “Lyra, if you take the next right and duck into the room on your left and hold you should avoid the incoming guards – Then you should be clear to go to the end of the corridor and into a large storage room right ahead.”

“I can place the cameras on a blank loop if it would be beneficial Agent Vasquez,” Darla intoned.

“Ah,” Vas glanced at her boss. “Sure? If you don’t think they will notice.”

“They will not.”

“Okay… Lyra, continue forward.” Lucy found it disconcerting that they couldn’t _see_ Winn’s ex on the screen – they just had to trust that she was _there_.

Aliens, _honestly._

“This room is disgusting,” the Valarian complained, huffing loudly. Lucy pinched her nose and exhaled slowly.

“On my mark… move,” Vas continued. Watching the heavily armed, very large, men march past. Lucy tilted her head, watching the way they moved. Lillian Luthor liked to hire ex-military, but those guys moved like Special Forces. They were too focused, too rigid for what was probably the most monotonous guard duty ever. Professionals. Well trained. Deadly.

_Alex’s vitals were steady._

“Alright Ve, your turn,” Lyra announced.

“Moving in,” Alex’s voice, full Agent mode, confirmed moments later.

“Darla, can you run a loop while giving us visuals?”

“Yes,” and then it was done. Vas lifted her fingers off the computer in surprise, blinking up at the screen.

One by one, Alex, four aliens and two DEO Agents stepped into the space. To Lucy’s relief Alex had her M4 strapped around her chest, resting on her shoulder.

“El, give us the all-clear for the first team to move,” Alex ordered, nodding to Drew, Lyra and Reed.

It was strange for Lucy. Alex ran this op with more natural command then she’d had in any op since she got back. She communicated with El efficiently, and the normally light-hearted Alien was more focused then she’d ever seen her. Meanwhile, on the screen, she watched the Exodus crew moved like a well-oiled machine, the DEO agent’s technically supervising a half step behind.

The military part of Lucy’s brain told her that the DEO should be taking better advantage of this squad of elite Aliens. A thought for later.

_Alex’s vitals were steady._

In fact, they remained steady even as they moved through the site. Some of the Agents, even some of the crew, spiked during brief (silent) confrontations, but not Alex. She put a bullet between a guard’s eyes without flinching, moving past him as Lincoln grabbed him by the vest and dragged him into a nearby room.

Lucy watched with bated breath as the three teams moved carefully, slowly. Eventually Drew found the communications room and knocked out the external camera’s, allowing Lucy to start moving in more DEO troops. But, at this rate? They wouldn’t need them.

The biggest challenge of the op was the cavernous central room on the city plans. They’d presumed that whatever Big-Bad-Evil Luthor was concocting, it would be in there. But a silent assault was all but impossible in such a large space.

That was the least of their worries. Apparently, whatever cocktail Dryl and Leeroy created was effective. Drew and Alex’s teams simultaneously placed their canisters at each end of the room, while Yonder _literally scaled the walls_ to drop one from above.

There was a moment of shock, confusion, a single shout, and the gas released. The entire room was filled with the pungent pink smoke and before Lucy even had the chance to unclench, it dissipated, leaving a couple dozen Cadmus lackies and scientists unconscious.

“All clear,” Alex’s voice had Lucy exhaling sharply, allowing herself a moment to squeeze her eyes shut.

Kara released the now crumbled arm of the spiny chair.

_Alex’s vitals were steady._

“The Beta team is already moving in, they’ll pick up any stragglers,” Lucy spoke carefully, Director voice on. “Secure the room, make sure everyone is out.”

“Ma’am,” ah, Lucy was _this_ close to relaxing. “There’s something you should look at.”

“Report.”

“The camera’s and the schematic don’t match up,” Vasquez answered, pulling up the floor plans and indicating to a highlighted area. “There is no coverage in this section.”

“Me and Linc will check it out,” and before Lucy could even clench her jaw, Alex was on the move. Gun resting on her shoulder, Lincoln a step behind. She did take a moment to fix Drew with a look, Lucy watching via the feed. “Don’t touch _anything._ We’ll be back. Vas, direct?”

“East doorway, to your right for about a hundred yards then a sharp left,” the Agent reported, eyes tracking the camera’s. The Beta team breached the external gates. “There is a set of metal doors at the end. No hostiles.”

“Rodger,” and she was on the move, crouching just a notch into a proper tactical walk, Lincoln mimicking her behind. Lucy was almost proud – Lincoln was the strangest of the aliens in her opinion. As human as he looked, he seemed as comfortable with Earth as Alex was in a strip club. But he’d taken to training well.

The pair approached carefully, pausing at the corner which gave them visuals on the door in question.

_Alex’s vitals were steady._

“Cap, can we have visual?” El asked, moving to sit so she had a leg tucked under her.

“Seriously?”

“Come _on_ ,” the tech begged, smirking. “Haven’t had a chance to play with my own tech in a year!”

A pause. Lucy watched Alex wrinkle her nose on camera before exhaling loud enough for the comms to pick up. “Fine. Access granted.”

“Darla?”

No amount of court or military or dinners with her father prepared Lucy for what happened next. Kara stood up so hard that her chair crashed off the raised platform.

She stepped up next to Lucy directly in front of the screens. “Is that-“

“Alex’s eye, yeah,” El sang back, bouncing once in her chair as she started to type.

Overlaying the view of the second wave of DEO breaching the facility was new footage. It looked like someone was holding a not-so-steady camera. It bobbed with movement, as if someone was walking. _Alex’s bionic eyes._

“What the fuck?” Lucy muttered, eyes wide, arms slack at her side.

“ _Holy shit,”_ Vas breathed, pushing back from the console.

A pause.

“Wait, you can hack my girlfriends’ _eye?”_ Lucy hissed, mind filling with images of things that only her, Alex and Maggie’s eyes should see. As much she enjoyed the occasional exhibitionist streak this was _not_ what she had in mind.

Ella, however, just laughed. “Nah, she needs to grant access,” she rolled her eyes. “Because she’s a _prude_.”

“Shut it,” Alex ordered into the comms. But Lucy could hear that she was suppressing a laugh.

They’d breached the main set of doors and were now walking down an eerily empty, very white corridor. They turned another corner. At the end was those strips of plastic instead of a door – the kind of thing you saw in cold rooms and horror movies.

_Alex’s vitals were steady._

“Do you smell that?” Alex’s voice was low, speaking to Linc not central command.

“Chemicals,” the alien responded, tightening the hold on his gun in Alex’s eye’s camera.

“What did Winn say they were exporting from here?” She inched forward, now slower.

“Medical waste mostly,” Vas replied. Kara leaned forward another inch, hands pressing against the back of the tech commanders chair. A part of Lucy wanted to tug her hands away; partly to stop her destroying more government property and partly to hold her sister hands.

But _Alex’s vitals were steady._

Still moving forward, Alex muttered into the comms. “Something’s not right here.”

Lucy’s stomach dropped out from under her.

Kara’s fingers cracked the plastic.

Alex used the tip of her gun to move aside the plastic, stepping slowly, precisely, into the room.

It was a hospital.

Or, that was what is looked like. Except, hospitals don’t usually make Lucy’s stomach curdle.

_Alex’s vitals were **not** steady. _

* * *

Alex’s stomach rolled.

The moment she ascertained that there were no hostile personnel, she moved towards the first gurney, swinging her gun onto her back. She pressed her fingers, uselessly, hopelessly, to the neck of the first person. But the tilt of their body spoke of lifelessness – the empty eyes spoke of death.

She ripped her hand away and looked down the row. At least two dozen gurneys running along the side of the room. There was no space between the rows, pressed into each other – like they’d run out of space – like they were afterthoughts – each with its own dead alien.

And they were. Dead that is. There was no breathing, no movement. Just hands dangling off beds, gaping incisions. Vacant eyes.

“Revoke authorization,” she hissed. She listened to the beep of her eye disengaging – ending the digital feed to the DEO. Stopping the footage of this massacre being shared with her family. “I need a DEO team sent in ASAP. Under _no circumstances_ is an alien agent to enter this room,” she ordered into the comms.

She reached for the medical chart at the end of the bed.

She blinked at the information.

Her mind emptied of everything except the writing on the bottom of the page.

A new kind of tension shot through her body.

She ripped the paper off the clip, turning to her friend. Compartmentalize – Complete one task at a time.

“Linc, secure the room. I’m going to carry on through,” he was already nodding by the time she finished, turning to stand guard and wait for the reinforcements – watch her back.

Because there was another door at the end of this room. Another kind of horror waiting for her.

“Alex,” Lucy. It was strange to hear the Director Voice say her first name. “Beta team is three minutes out, you should stand-down.”

But she couldn’t wait. Wouldn’t wait. There could be others – could be survivors.

Greif and disgust drowned in acid – her veins filled with fire as she moved away from the obviously lost to the end of the room. The door was thick and steel and stamped with _Authorized Personnel._

Swinging her gun back around, she pressed her shoulder into the metal, feeling a seal unstick.

It was colder in here.

“Hey! This is a sterile room!” A muffled voice shouted, just as she rotated her body around the barely open door. “You are not authorized to-“

The man standing over the operating table lost his voice when he saw the very scary woman with the very big gun looking at him with murder in her eyes.

“Step away from the table,” she ordered. Channeling all the calm she did not possess.

The scalpel clattered to the ground as he stepped back, hands raised in the air. His scrubs were clean, but his gloves were dripping with blood, now running down his forearm.

It dripped from his elbow and onto the floor.

Alex spared a glance at the EKG.

“What do you think you are doing?” She hissed, inching forward leading with her weapon. She needed to get to the man open on the table.

“I-“ the ‘surgeon’ was visibly shaking, eyes darting between the Agent and the alien. “J-j-just, what-“

Alex took another step forward, lip pulling away from her teeth, snarling out “what did you do to him?”

“It-“

“ _He_.”

The doctor’s eyes widened again, and he nodded frantically. “Yes, yes, _he_. I- I removed his _alfix_ gland.”

Alex clenched her jaw so hard it hurt. The end of her axe pressing into her thigh flared in her mind. She took another step forward, lifting her muzzle just enough that it was aimed at his head, not his center mass. “Firuntes _require_ that gland to breathe.”

He floundered for a moment, eyes darting again.

“It- _He_ … I- I’m just following orders,” he finally managed, trembling increasing with every inch Alex stepped into the room.

_Just following orders._

Nothing but evil came from such a phrase.

Her years in space had taught her that. Just as her time on Earth.

“Where’s your mechanical ventilator?” She finally pressed around her rage, refusing to take her eyes off the evil incarnate before her.

His eyes got more panicked. She watched him glance around desperately. “We-we-we don’t have one.”

She jerked forward a final step, gun now a foot from his head. She could see the color of his eyes and smell the blood on his hands. Blood still dripping to the floor. “You have no intention of trying to keep these people alive.”

“ _Aliens_.”

The correction was automatic.

Her finger itched on the trigger.

“Stand _down,_ Agent Danvers,” Lucy.

Lucy was on the comms.

Lucy was listening to this conversation.

Lucy would know if she put a bullet between this… this… this _butcher’s_ eyes.

Lucy would finally understand that part of her girlfriend died on March 18th when _these very people_ put her on a ship with hundreds of other aliens. To die, alone, in space.

“Alex,” softer this time, but still Director Lane speaking. “Stand down.”

Alex took a shuddering breath and stepped back.

“Hands behind your back.”

* * *

It took considerable effort to keep Kara off scene.

It took considerable effort and Lucy dragging her into a side room. She waited for the superhero to meet her eyes before stepping into her, pressing steady hands to either side of her face.

“Kara, listen, you need to stay calm. I’m going to look after Alex, and I need you to go pick Ky up from school.”

 _“What?_ No! I have to-“

“Kara,” she didn’t raise her voice, but her tone cut through the protests. “It’s almost half three, Ky will be heading home any minute and she needs to not see Alex in the aftermath of this.”

A long pause, where the Kryptonian looked set to disagree.

Then the fire behind her eyes dimmed.

They knew Alex. Knew the moment she terminated the feed, that she did so to protect them. Protect Kara. From what she found in the room, and whatever it was that she saw afterwards.

And now it was their job to protect Alex. And Ky. As a team.

Wet eyes finally met the directors. “You’ll look after her?”

She rubbed a thumb over her sister’s cheek, offering a soft pull of her lips. “Always.”

Kara, blinking hard before setting her jaw, giving a stiff nod. She dragged Lucy into a quick, very not professional hug, and marched out to look after their family.

Alone for the first and last time that day, Lucy allowed herself _exactly_ sixty seconds before returning to command. Exactly sixty seconds to bury the fear clawing at her throat. Sixty seconds for moment of dead aliens she saw to burn behind her eyes. Sixty seconds to let Alex’s lethal tone over the comms echo in her head.

Then she exhaled, straightened her shirt, and became Director Lane.

Vas immediately detailed her missing time. We created a portal into the ship so that the alie- the man Alex found could get immediate medical attention. Alex had not immediately followed, leading the (entirely human) team through the remainder of the compound that was under a surveillance black-out.

Six more aliens were found in that time.

Or, well, six more _living_ aliens were found.

If they would ever have any kind of life again after what they’d survived.

_Alex’s vitals were still not steady._

But medical teams had been sent in, and the facility was swarmed, and their CSI was already under way. Lucy knew that before the next morning, the entire place would be stripped and detailed for her to read. 

Lucy wouldn’t see her girlfriend for another four hours. They both had jobs to do, Alex having re-boarded the Exodus to try save the first alien she’d discovered. Lucy had an entire operation to oversee and numerous reports to write up.

So, it was four hours later that Lucy found her girlfriend.

Ella is the one that told her Alex was done, uncharacteristically serious when she knocked on her doorframe.

“How can I help you Agent Rose?” She didn’t even look up from her file. _Did Agents encounter anything unusual during the breach? If so, explain what was unusual and how it was managed._ How the _fuck_ does she answer that?

“Ma’am,” Lucy jerked her head up. Ella had never, once, used such a polite term. “Alex needs you.”

Which is what found Lucy rounding the corner to Alex’s old quarters on the Exodus. The door was ajar, a rarity on a ship with air locking technology.

Placing a hand on the cool metal, she eased it open and stepped over the lip. “Alex?”

The room was barely lit by the ‘moon’ lamp’s soft light. Alex, sitting on the edge of the bed, was cast in shadows, only her back illuminated. Her hunched position obscured her face entirely, elbows on thighs, head down. The wax in her hair had finally lost its hold, and the loose strands were further masking her expression.

“Al?”

No response, but Lucy could hear the ragged breathing. Could see the way her shoulders were too stiff, the way she curled inwards, just a little, at the sound of her voice. 

Closing the door firmly behind her, she stepped into the room. In this space, Alex’s space, she found herself hesitating, eyes darting to the wall of constellations they’d spent a weekend replicating in Ky’s bedroom. This wasn’t a universe their relationship had ever existed and suddenly Lucy felt out of place.

Another shudder ran down Alex’s back, hard enough that it was visible from across the room.

Lucy found her feet unsticking, found herself walking over to her girlfriend carefully. Noting how her posture was coiled, protective. How her shoulder bowed further as Lucy approached. She stopped moving, made her voice whisper soft. “Al, what happened?”

Alex just shook her head, dragging her good hand through her hair, fisting hard enough to hurt. The other, her bad hand, remained hanging off her knee, clenched just as hard. “Hey, whoa,” compelled forward, Lucy ran fingers along her wrist, gently encouraging her to release the painful grip on the strands. She tangled their fingers together instead, sitting next to her on the bed sideways, placing one foot on the floor to balance herself.

“He died.” The rasped voice was unrecognizable.

“You did everything you could,” she murmured back, ducking her head to try catch the doctor’s eyes – but Alex had yet to open them since she sat on the bed herself. Since she mindlessly walked the length of hallway between the OR and her rooms. Since she watched the anonymous alien flat line and Vik had tugged her hands out of his ribcage.

“And it wasn’t enough.”

“Alex,” soft as possible, Lucy placed her free hand on the small of Alex’s back.

The touch was a lightning strike.

Alex was up and pressed against the far wall in an instant, eyes still squeezed shut, bad hand still clenched, trembling. Her breath escaped in stuttering gasps. “ _He died_.”

Staying on the bed, keeping her hands visible, Lucy watched her girlfriend unfold in front of her. Come apart at the seams. Watched her fight a panic attack. Felt her own heart fracture with every wrestled breath – felt tears well in her throat and burn in her veins.

“Al-“

“No,” she smacked her head against the metal of the wall – stars flaring behind her eyes to match the images painted behind her skull. “I _couldn’t save him_. I-“ she placed her free hand over her eyes, forehead pinching. Everything swirling in her chest finally coming to a head under Lucy’s gentle eyes.

She didn’t deserve gentle eyes.

“He was just a _person_ and they cut him open and took what _let him breath_ and I couldn’t help him; I couldn’t save him. That… that _man_ took his _breathing._ They didn’t even sedate him properly! He would have felt- felt that... that… that _monster_ steal his life. For what!? _Because he was an alien?_ Because his life was worth _less_ than whatever they wanted? And I- I- couldn’t-“

Her violent agony came to a stuttering stop, pressing the hand to her eyes harder as her legs finally gave in. She slid down the wall – the wall she painted with her daughter – her alien daughter – and felt tears finally spill from her good eye.

Lucy approached more cautiously this time but couldn’t stay away. She lowered herself to her knees. Inched just between Alex’s spread knees. Not touching, but close enough to catch her if she went off the edge.

“He died,” she finally whimpered.

Wet, loving eyes watched every sign of pain paint itself across her partner. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s my fault.”

“Hey, no,” Lucy protested, leaning forward, but still not touching. “You did everything you could Alex – you’re only human.”

A harsh, broken laugh, hand dropping away from her face. She opened her eyes but set them on the small space of floor between them.

“You can’t save everyone,” Lucy tried, desperate to touch. Scared to touch.

A long pause filled by Alex’s labored breathing. Then she dragged her eyes up, meeting Lucy’s with a kind of fever, a kind of hardness, that she hadn’t seen in… years. Since before. Before this ship and those people. _Before._

“I should have killed him.” It was spoken with such resoluteness, Lucy had to call upon years of court to not react.

“I ordered you to stand-down Al-“

“No,” her jaw set, the skin around her eyes tightening. Her good eye didn’t lose its gloss though. “Not the doctor.”

A longer pause where Lucy tried to read Alex’s face. Find the answers in the pained, furious set of her face. “Who then?”

Alex’s eye slid to the right, away from her partner while she curled her nose against tears. Against pain. Against fury and betrayal and _hurt_.

Slowly, she moved her clenched fist from her knee, holding it between. Lucy looked for Alex’s eyes another moment, but she resolutely stared away. Eyes locked elsewhere, jaw ticking.

Sighing slowly, she looked at the offered hand. It was only then she realized that Alex was holding something. Paper balled so tightly the bionic was trembling.

Lucy reached up with both hands to touch the tips of her fingers against the fist – gently urging her to release, uncurling the fingers with soft strokes, eyes flicking back to on Alex’s, even if she wouldn’t look back.

Eventually, Lucy was able to extract the paper, un-balling it carefully. “What am I looking at?” Because, honestly, she was a lawyer. And this looked like medical jargon and chicken scratch.

“One of the dead alien’s charts,” her voice lost its previous fire. Lucy found she missed it. The monotone was considerably more unsettling. 

“Okay?”

“Look at the signature.”

Breath. Thought. Emotion. It all caught in Lucy’s throat

_J. Danvers._

* * *

When Maggie came home that night, it wasn’t late, but the apartment was still dark. Curtains drawn, no sound of dinner or teenager or even her partners.

For a moment she though no one was home, even though the couch-side lamp was left on for her.

Pulling off her shoes, she padded deeper into the apartment in her socks. Sliding her bag onto the couch to deal with (and drive Lucy up a wall with) later. A sense of déjà vu washed over her, the previous evening still lingering under her skin. Shrugging off her jacket, she went directly to the bedroom, pressing open the slightly ajar door.

Lucy knew even the sound of the door handle turning might startle Alex.

Similar but oh so different.

They were both awake for one, though they were both in bed. Pajama’s too, despite the hour. Alex was pressed to Lucy’s font, something about her position made her look smaller than her girlfriend. More sunken into the bed maybe. Gertrude was taking almost all of Maggie side of the bed up, laying parallel with her companion. The not-dog was resting her face on a paw, nose inches from Alex’s. But Alex paid her no mind, eyes vacant, staring blankly at the curtains.

Lucy’s head was propped on her hand, leaning up on an elbow so she could overlook their girlfriend. Every once in a while, she pressed her lips to the top of Alex’s head. Her free hand was curled around Alex’s plaid clad hip, fingers alternating between pressing into the soft curve of her skin and up and long her bare arm. While Maggie watched, she traced the thick raised scar on her shoulder. 

Neither looked up at Maggie’s entrance, though Lucy gave the smallest of smile’s when she edged into her eye-line. Taking her hand away from her head, she placed a finger to her lips for a moment. _No sound_.

Ah, one of _those_ panic attacks then.

Maggie nodded, removing her clothes silently. As quietly as possible, she selected some sweats and a tank top, tiptoeing around the room to place a kiss to Lucy’s temple, press a hand to Alex’s forearm, before retreating.

It was barely nine, and there was no sign dinner had been made or consumed in any form. Ky wasn’t here from the looks of things. Alex wouldn’t eat anything tonight. But Lucy should. And if food was off the table, then hydration was the bare minimum.

So, grabbing water bottles and the quietest snacks she could think of, she returned to the bedroom. Gertrude had shifted, curling up on top of Alex’s blanketed feet. Placing all but her bottle on Lucy’s side table, Maggie rounded the bed.

She paused a moment. She took in Lucy’s focused, soothing attention on their partner. Took in how Alex was here, but elsewhere. Took in how almost her entire world (sans two aliens – currently competing to see who could stuff more marshmallows into their mouths) could fit on a bed. 

Placing her bottle to the side, Maggie pulled up the sheets. Sliding in, she settled right in front of her absent partner.

Alex’s eyes were open but vacant. Her breathing too uniform.

And it would take more than a night of her partners surrounding her for that distant look to totally relinquish her eyes.

It would take a morning run with Gertrude; breakfast with Kara; sparing with her crew; picking Ky up from school; and, finally, a game night. It would take her seeing and touching her family. Together. Safe.

The ones that deserved her protection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kara can fit way more marshmallows than Ky btw. But Ky started the competition to get photos for her blackmail/cheer people up folder.


	4. Last Day on Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm... so sorry?

_LOG: Day 1,160_

_PASSENGERS: 140_

_AUTHOR: Captain Alex Danvers_

_The camera clicked on to a stiff Alex Danvers. Her uniform was neatly tied together, the Exodus logo on her onboard armor shinning in the overhead lighting. She’d even traded in her tac pants for something more formal. Her hand was in its natural bionic form, clasped with its mirror, elbows resting on her knees._

_The eye-patch was the only thing that took away from her pristine look – the look of someone still settling into the inherent authority associated with a new title. Being Captain of a spaceship hadn’t sunk into her personality yet – she still felt like she was wearing someone else’s skin._

_Her face was the picture of calm. So unmarred that it looked fake. A façade carefully constructed for the purposes of this log – for this message._

_“I was appointed Captain of the Exodus II several cycles ago,” she started, voice measured. “As part of that position, I have been reviewing the plans and strategies Lyron put in place for our arrival on Earth. This process has been slow, tedious and, often painful. But necessary.”_

_“Lyron was very well organized – he has several different plans for our return to Earth – many even involve monetary contingencies for those who cannot return to their families due to the three-year absence,” Alex paused, a single measured breath. “He even started compiling strategic measures for any resistance we may receive, be that from the DEO, Cadmus or any other anti-alien organization.”_

_“As part of this plan, I have started to add further information. I was only aboard the Exodus I in a failed attempt to stop the lift off. Therefore, I have certain information which may be of use. I have attached a dossier on several key members of Cadmus, as well as a kill-order status and other important information. I include these in case I am, for whatever reason, not aboard the ship when we return to Earth.”_

_Alex paused again, one visible eye narrowing as she breathed._

_“All members of the Exodus crew will be under my protection until the day we land on Earth. And after that, I will do everything in my power to help them reintegrate. And to the families who have already lost their loved ones stranded aboard this ship, I will do everything in my power to bring you the closure you deserve.”_

_A longer pause, but Alex’s eye did not stray._

_“Please approach this information with caution – every single member of Cadmus is a threat, not only to alien life, but to anyone who stands against their beliefs. They cannot be reasoned with they cannot be debated. They will not stop until all alien life on Earth is eradicated. Do not underestimate them.”_

_Alex exhaled and sat up straight, eyes still set. “I tried to negotiate with them the day of take-off and it cost every single person on board that ship. I will not make the same mistakes again.”_

_“Darla, that’s it.”_

* * *

Lucy _loved_ the city base, don’t get her wrong. Ever since J’onn stepped back, it was lovely being to spend four days a week in civilization. The city base was four blocks from their apartment, she could normally take lunch with one of her partners and there was the _distinct lack of bats_ – So. Lucy loved the city base.

What she did _not_ love was when the alarms went off.

Because, in the desert, alarms meant danger, yes. But it also meant danger that wasn’t _directly in the center of the city_. So… less chance of mass casualties. 

She was already halfway to the central control when a horrifying thought crashed into her.

_Alex was on site._

Jesus fuck. The _one day_ that they ask her girlfriend to do some contract work and the alarm system goes off? The universe had a sense of humor – she’d give it that.

She could only hope that Vas kept her out of the action – they were in the armory, so there was some chance they would have been automatically confined. Her phone was alerting all personnel to the containment – that should have locked most of the thirty-second floor down. 

A girl could dream.

Skidding around the corner Lucy came to an absolutely slammed stop.

Okay, maybe the universe didn’t have a sense of humor.

Maybe it was a bitter bastard who enjoyed extracting specific and excruciating agony on the world’s inhabitants. Just for shits and giggles.

She had her service weapon out and the safety off before her higher functioning processed the decisions.

The sight of _Winn_ with a gun pressed to the side of his head, made her heart just fucking _stutter_. He looked… terrified. Eye’s wide, hands gripping the forearm around his throat, toes slipping as he tried to find purchase against the bionic arm holding him slightly off the ground. And, frankly, if Lucy were him, she’d be terrified too.

Because, honestly? Of all the bad guys they’d faced in the half decade since she joined the DEO, Jeremiah Danvers put the fear of God into her like no other.

It takes a certain kind of evil to commit mass acts of xenophobic terrorism and call it an act of love for his children.

“Move, and I kill him,” and Lucy was inclined to believe him. Whatever his plan _had_ been was obviously toast now. While much of the on-duty Agents were likely headed to containment, four remained in central comment. And every single one had their weapons trained on him. Standing between him and any kind of exit. The only thing keeping the man breathing was Winn’s presence.

Fuck _._

_Fuck fuck, fuck._

Lucy knew the worst kind of situation was where the white man with the gun had nothing to lose. He looked manic – his eyes were too wide, pupils too dilated, sight too scattered. He was on the edge – he was seconds away from snapping. Unhinged.

And, as if the situation wasn’t fucking _horrifyingly bad enough_ , she heard the sound of steps to her left. Careful, measured, military steps. Lucy didn’t have to turn to know who it was – because this was National City and bad things always had to find a way of being worse than you’d originally thought.

The way his eyes lit up at the sight of her had Lucy’s gut twisting – he knew she was going to be here. She’d bet that he _banked_ on her being here.

“Dad,” Alex’s voice was steady even as she inched forward. Dressed in blue jeans and Maggie’s flannel, she could not look more out of place in a room full of Agents. Lucy could see that she’d taken Vas’ spare piece – she generally wasn’t armed these days. Unless you counted the gun tucked behind the counter at the clinic. “What are you doing here?”

No negotiation, no telling him to let Winn go. No wasted words.

“You have something we need,” Jeremiah calmed replied, eyes fixing on his eldest daughter.

“Unfortunately, the DEO isn’t big on loans,” Alex replied, still moving around. Finding her angle. “Especially to anti-alien organizations with a nasty habit of attacking innocent people.”

“Innocent _aliens_ ,” her snapped back, pressing the gun harder against Winn’s head. The IT grimaced, eyes locking desperately on Alex as she approached. Lucy, despite the situation, felt her mind note the irony of Jeremiah’s statement; he held a gun to a very human man’s head – one of the few human Agents in the room.

“I don’t particularly see a distinction.”

Jeremiah shifted, tugging Winn bodily around so he kept his daughter in his eye line. Kept his daughters’ brother between him and a bullet. “Well, Cadmus does.”

“And you still do their dirty work.”

His eyes narrowed. “You know I have no choice.”

“We all have a choice.”

Silence. Father and daughter just stared at each other. Alex stopped moving.

Lucy knew she found her angle.

“Do you remember what you said to me?” Alex started; voice steady. “That day you forcibly deported three hundred and forty-three people to the other side of the universe?” her gun never wavered, and she locked steely eyes with her fathers.

Lucy felt her blood run cold.

He shifted. For the first time, the manic look shifted, less confident than before. “Alex-“

“Do you remember?” Some heat in her voice now.

“Yes, but-”

“You told me that you were doing it for me. And Kara. That you were _hurting others_ to protect us,” her fingers whitened on the gun, but she otherwise remained steady. “And that it was something I would only understand when I was a parent.”

In her peripheral vision she could see agents shifting, adjusting for her position – adjusting for how close she was. Alex could feel Lucy’s presence to her right, even though it was impossible for her to have a clear shot around Winn. No one else dared step forward, the tension in the room solely focused on the father daughter stand-off, and the pseudo-brother’s life suspended between.

“Alex, I _am_ doing this for you! To protect you! Cadmus… Lillian will-“

“You were right, that day,” Alex voice softened, just around the edges. Lucy’s stomach dropped. “I didn’t know it, not until years later,” she paused, as did the tension in the room. Every single person, a dozen guns at the ready, lingered in the second that the Agent breathed. “Not until my kid first called me _mom_. In that moment, I finally understood what drove you to risking the lives of hundreds of people. And I need you to know, Dad, that I understand.”

His expression softened, his mouth twitching, hope relighting in his eyes.

“The lengths a parent will go to protect their kids know no bounds.”

His fingers shifted on the gun.

Then she pulled the trigger.

[…]

For whole seconds, Lucy didn’t realize that Alex was the one who fired; the violent echo of a Glock had to have come from any one of the dozen agents surrounding the scene. And _fuck_ did she wish she was right - that someone else, _anyone else_ , had taken the shot to end Jeremiah Danvers life.

That the choice between the Danvers sister’s surrogate brother and their _father_ hadn’t been made by Alex.

But of course, it had. No one else would have been trusted to make the shot. No one else would have been trusted to fire inches from Winn’s head. Alex had to have done it. With that realization, the room seemed to slow down. Lucy processed things like she had in the army, when things had gone to hell. Slowly and all at once.

How Winn shrunk away from the man’s falling body, stumbling over his own feet as he tried to escape the literal dead weight.

How Alex hadn’t been using her alien gun, so instead of the blast quietly liquifying his brain, it exploded out the back of his head, painting the monitors in blood and matter.

How Alex mechanically took apart the service weapon and silently placed it on a nearby desk for evidence.

How the other agents all moved to contain the scene, kicking away Jeremiah’s gun and automatically checking for a pulse.

How Vas reached out to try and touch her friend, but she was already moving, not looking at her father but her brother.

Lucy watched, gripping her own gun at her side with white fingers, as Alex put her palm to Winn’s face, the unbloodied side. How she gently pressed him into a nearby chair, so that he wasn’t facing the scene. Watched her fingers slip into the hair around his ears, like she would do with Lucy or Maggie or Kara, when she had something particularly important to say, to make sure that they heard it. Alex started to talk, leaning down into his space protectively.

Lucy watched Winn’s wide terrified eyes slowly fade into something else. Something sick and sorry but when he tried to reach up and grab Alex’s wrist, she caught it with her free hand. Even from that distance, Lucy could see that she squeezed reassuringly, still talking quietly to her brother. They were the silent, still center of the otherwise chaotic room.

Lucy forced her eyes away from the suddenly intimate scene. This was her situation to handle, even if she was ethically bound to step back, given Alex’s involvement. Agents had already secured the scene, and their CS techs had been summoned from upstairs. Lucy moved around the platform, suddenly wishing she had forgone the heels this morning, coming to Vasquez’s side.

“I need you to take point on the investigation,” Vas’ wide eyes dragged away from the scene in front of them and locked with Lucy’s. Taking a visibly deep breath, Lucy watched her 2IC recenter herself and nod. “Just make sure that you pull all the footage and take testimony from everyone. I need this to be open and shut – we cannot let this drag out, you understand?”

“Yeah Luce, of course I do,” usually the picture of professionalism, Vas broke eye contact to look back at the scene. “And I don’t see there being any issues. Anyone with eyes can see this was clean.”

Exhaling through her nose, Lucy was not so optimistic. There was nothing _clean_ about this.

“Do you want me to talk to Alex?” Lucy snapped her eyes open, her breath catching in her throat. “You know she needs give verbal testimony to an agent. Do you want that to be me, or would you-“

“I can’t Vas,” even if she desperately wanted to. Even if she wanted to hold Alex’s hand, and hold her up as she had to relive those last five minutes in vivid detail. She couldn’t –her being the supervising Director was a bad enough conflict of interest. “I trust you, okay? Just… can you leave her until last? I want to… I don’t know. Get Kara or Maggie. Probably for Schott as well.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem,” the strangled tone of Vasquez had Lucy straightening suddenly, redoubling her grip on her sidearm, still unholstered. Surely nothing else could have happened, nothing more could have been done in the time between the latest horrific disaster and now, nothing- “Danvers appears to have left the building, Ma’am.”

* * *

“Darla, that’s it.”

_Alex released a sigh, rubbing at her eye the moment the purple light dissipated. She hunched over, just breathing. Just letting the guilt and anger unwind in her chest. She tried to walk through the mindfulness steps Freyer has been teaching her._

_Not super effective, but points for effort._

_“What is bothering you, Captain?”_

_Darla’s mechanical voice jerked her upright, squinting at the screen. “You don’t have to call me that.”_

_“Would you prefer your full title?”_

_“No! No,” Alex shook her head, even though Darla responded almost exclusively to voice commands. “Please don’t. You can still just call me Alex.”_

_“You have earned your rank, have you not Captain?”_

_Alex just grunted, leaning back in her chair and eyeing the screen. “Can you please file this and put it under a clearance wall.”_

_“What level of clearance do you require?”_

_She clenched her jaw, thinking. Who would she trust? “Access limited to my Second and Third. In the case of our demise, an elected Captain that takes over leadership.”_

_“Done.” Alex just sat in silence, still staring at the file she’d personally created. The image of her father staring back down at her. “Would you like to talk about it, Captain?”_

_“Talk about what?”_

_“The designation you placed on your father.”_

_“Not much to talk about.”_

_“I have access to the neural readings from your chip Captain, I know that your vital signs are elevated. Something about this decision is bothering you.”_

_Alex rolled her eyes – stupid technologically advanced aliens snooping in her brain function. She paused long enough that the_ sentient computer _tried again._

_“Why have you included your father in this folder, Captain Danvers?”_

_“Because it is the right thing to do,” she shot back. Too fast._

_“Yet it upsets you.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Then why do it?”_

_Groaning, Alex got out of her seat, shoving a hand through her hair and tugging. “Because he’s the reason we’re on this ship! I can’t just ignore that.”_

_“I understand that, sometimes, different rules apply to familial connections.”_

_“Not this time.”_

_“Were you not close with your father?” Alex worked her jaw with a shaky inhale._

_“I was.” Her thoughts spun away – Nights spent explaining the stars; Morning’s soaking wet and shivering, teaching her how to surf; Showing up to science fairs even when her mom said they were too busy; Every dried tear and shared laugh. He was her hero._

_“And then I wasn’t,” and then Kara showed up. And the world tilted on its axis, she became the thing their lives spun around. Protect Kara. Love Kara. Be there_ for Kara. _And she loved her sister – she was her world, her entire universe for so many years. But she lost her father the same night she gained her sister._

 _“And then he put us all on this ship.” And then he chose Cadmus. He chose fear and weakness and he put her, her daughter and over three hundred other aliens on a ship with no way home. No way to survive. And Alex knew, if the decision came down between her and her_ alien daughter _, he would choose wrong each and every time._

_“I understand,” which Alex doubted. But she appreciated the sentiment. “However, do you not think there is another way?”_

_Alex eyes dragged back to the designation – vivid red on the screen, just under her father’s photo._

_It was a photo she’d pulled from her phone. She’d cropped out her 13-year-old self, where she was grinning up at the camera with the delight of someone hanging with their favorite person. Jeremiah looked younger, less lines around his face, less pain in his eyes. He was the same father that tucked her in at night and told her that he would always protect her. The same father that swept her mom into an awkward, giggling waltz in their kitchen on Sunday mornings. The same father that she loved, with all her heart._

_The father that died the day the US government knocked on their front door and handed them a folded flag._

_“There is no other way.” And Alex closed the document, marching out of the room without another word._

_But for the rest of the night, even as she lay next to a sleeping, safe Ky, the blood red of her decision blinked behind her eye lids._

_[JEREMIAH DANVERS_

_THREAT LEVEL: ALPHA_

_RECOMMENDED ACTION: KILL ON SIGHT]_

* * *

Alex didn’t run. That’s what she told herself as she exited the elevator onto the main road. She didn’t run away. She walked away. With haste.

She knew Lucy would read her the riot act when she got home. She knew that, right now, as she spoke, Lucy would be calling Maggie to fill her in, would be calling Clarke to let him know that Kara needed to come back to National City. Now. Kryptonian research in the fortress be damned.

But she… couldn’t stay there for another moment.

The _second_ she had Winn settled. Assured herself that he was safe – shaken up but alive. Breathing. She was walking out of the room. Pressing the down button. Boarding the lift and leaving.

The security guard didn’t even look – even as a contractor, she was well known enough at the DEO that no one paid her any mind.

Once in the street, Alex paused. She breathed in the smell of stale hotdogs and car fumes. She listened to the traffic and noted the position of the sun. And paused.

Then, she started walking.

It took her longer then she would admit realizing where she was going.

The looming tower of L-Corp

She had her own access code. She had her own _credentials_. Technically, she was an L-Crop employee. And Lena spent last Sunday wine drunk on her couch making heart eyes at her baby sister. So, Alex didn’t really hesitate about letting herself into the elevator. 

Lena was actually in the L-Crop office this week – she’d been collaborating with R&D and Alex all month and finally had to start the paperwork for their patent. So, she was in her new office – Sam had refused to relinquish her view with a smirk – when Alex walked in.

Did she knock? No. She didn’t think so. Rude, really. Probably why Lena looked so startled, hand still poised over the contract before her.

“Alex?” It sounded like she was speaking underwater. Distorted, too quiet.

Huh. Shock. Fascinating.

Suddenly, the littlest Luthor was in front of her, eyes more concerned than the public would ever believe her capable of. “Alex, what’s happened?”

She opened her mouth, ready to explain.

I killed him. My father. Because of what he and your mother did to me and my family. My daughter. I shot him in the head because Winn was the other option and no more people would die under her watch. She wouldn’t (couldn’t) bury another one of her friends in the name of Jeremiah Danvers.

But none of that came out.

Nothing did.

Huh. Shock was weird.

“Alex,” she wondered how Lena did that. Made her voice so commanding – so clear it cut through the static in her head.

She was sitting. When did that happen? Pressed into what must be an extortionately expensive couch, Lena on the phone in front of her.

Weird time to take a conference call. Considering she just murdered her father.

Her eyes slid away from the CEO, noticing that her own hands were shaking. Almost violently. She was cold? Shock. Yes, right. Probably cold. She was lightheaded too… probably why Lena seemed to materialize in front of her again.

The doctor found herself marvelling at the other women’s ability to crouch in heels and a skirt.

“Do you want to talk to Lucy?”

 _No._ No- no she didn’t. Couldn’t. Lucy would… Lucy _saw_ …

Lena was, thankfully, able to read the answer in her face without words, and just nodded, standing to go back to the call.

Oh. She was talking to Lucy.

That made sense.

Lena might pretend to be an ice-cold businesswoman at work, but she also spent three hours explaining a mechanical engineering problem to her daughter. And she did so dressed in Kara’s National City University sweater, sweatpants that went past her feet and hair dragged into a messy as all hell bun.

So, it made sense she called Lucy.

She cared.

Even though she murdered her father.

“Alex,” she materialized again. She blinked over at the CEO, who was now sitting next to her, gentle hand on her thigh. “What do you need?”

The other thing Alex liked about Lena. No platitudes – no pleasantries. Cut right to the point.

“A drink.”

If that surprised Lena, she didn’t show it. This was why her and Lucy were such horrible people to play poker with – too unshakable.

“Are you going to have one?” No judgment, she didn’t even raise one of those too perfect fucking eyebrows. What was that about anyway?

“No.” Probably not. If, for no reason other than she wasn’t sure she could stand right now or hold a drink.

“Where do you want to be?”

Simple question really. Because, Alex knew, she couldn’t stay here. Not with shock settling into her bones. Not when the shock bled out of her skin and left her a fractured person.

A murderer. 

“Not home.”

Cause home was where questions were. Where her daughter would read Lucy’s mind (as much as she’d fight it). Where she’d read Maggie concern. Read Alex’s pain.

Home is where questions with no answers were.

“Okay then.”

Lena was on the phone again, stepping to the other side of the room, phone pressed against her shoulder while she shut down her computer and shoved files into her desk. Alex had never seen her be so haphazard with her meticulous filing system before. Jess would have a stroke.

Oh. Right. Jess was Head of Management now.

Well, someone would have a stroke.

Then there was a firm hand on her arm, and she was being led back the way she came. The lights of the elevator burned behind her eyes when she blinked. Lena hadn’t spoken a word, except to greet her driver.

Then the bio-scanner on Lena’s penthouse flared. The new light flushed away the previous phantom images.

She was pressed into another extortionately expensive couch. This one had a too soft blanket draped over the back (Kara’s doing) and a Supergirl themed cushion tucked into a corner (Lucy’s).

Lena was puttering around the apartment behind her, leaving Alex to stare at the line of photos on the fireplace’s sill. They’d all been taken in the last three years – taken since she’d been deported.

Kara and Lena, cheeks pressed together, her sister smiling so wide her eyes squinted.

Lucy with her legs toss over Maggie’s lap, smirking at something off camera while Maggie saluted her beer at the camera.

Winn, Ky and Lena bent over the table at Thanksgiving last year, plotting something devious and irresponsible.

Alex, Lena and Dryl standing in white coats, lined up on stage. Dryl stiff, eyes narrow. Lena smile this side of smug, holding up their award. Alex mid laugh, head turned to look at her friends rather than the lens.

Something stuttered in Alex’s chest – everything starting to come unstuck.

A mug was pressed into her hands, the heat seeping past the clammy chill that was settling over her skin.

“Drink, you’re in shock.” Which, yes. Alex knew this. But _she_ was the one with the MD.

She still sipped – tea. Just the way she liked it; honey not sugar, too much milk.

When, exactly, Lena Luthor came to be one of her best friends, was a mystery.

When she offered to build her an alien clinic?

Or when she hired a half dozen of her crew for L-Corps R&D?

Or maybe when she started to help Ky with her AP physics and made Kara giggle like before Alex was taken?

Probably though, it was some time during an all-night brainstorming session which dissolved into shared pain. Into conversations about disappointed parents and overshadowing siblings and learning to bury themselves under layers of armor instead of the agony of being seen. Hide behind genius and strength and how hard it was to unlearn those harsh lessons. Trust the women in their lives – that they would love them. Even the dark, ugly things they kept buried, but continued to breath under their skin.

“I killed him.”

Lena, curled up in the armchair next to Alex, looked up from her own tea, steam drifting before her face. Her expression was neutral, but her eyes were clear – gentle and sharp.

“Lucy told me.”

The sticky ink coating her lungs swelled. The silence stretched on as Alex pressed her hands to either side of the mug, careful not to break it. Careful to keep her bionic controlled. Tried to focus on the different sensations her two hands experienced – the comforting heat on one side, and tingling, artificial response from the other.

“What would you have done?”

Lena blinked, letting the mug rest on her knee. Setting serious eyes on her friend while she considered. “If it were Lillian? The same thing.”

But Alex was shaking her head, jaw ticking, eyes clenching shut for another moment. “What would you have done if it were _Lex?_ ”

Because Lillian was easy to hate. She’d had Lena arrested as a suspect in her prison break. Tried to force her assist in the mass extermination of all aliens. Fought her position as CEO after her brother’s incarceration. Failed to celebrate a single birthday growing up.

Every act of kindness was an act of subterfuge – every moment of motherliness ultimately for the other sibling. So, it was easy to hate Lillian.

Lex. It was hard to hate Lex.

Lex taught her to play chess. Distracted their parents while she stole the fresh cookies. Coaxed her out of a tree when she got too high. Swore to buy her a house in alps to keep them both safe. He remembered every birthday, called every holiday, bought the best scotch and sold the best lies. He was the one that made her feel welcome in a home that was too big and too empty and too cold.

Lena truly hating Lex was just as impossible as Alex truly hating Jeremiah.

Because they were both evil men. Men who did dreadful, atrocious things and claimed it was in the name of _good_ – committed acts of terror in pursuit of… some lost goal. Some lost goal they would burn the world to the ground for.

Would turn the sun red and force his sister to watch people suffer, to spite a man who was born under the wrong stars.

Would build a spaceship and mutilate aliens in the name of protecting his daughters.

But also, men who had protected them, raised them, made them strong. Whose fingerprints were all over their foundations.

Lena tapped a finger against her glass, watching the way the other woman’s eyes were regaining focus. The clouds behind her eyes lifting by inches. “I don’t know what I’d do.” A pause, where Alex’s jaw ticked. “I _hope_ I’d have the strength to make the same decision you did.”

A snort ripped from Alex’s throat. Good hand flexing around the mug. “I murdered my father.”

“He deserved it.” Which, yes. He did. But _knowing it_ and _feeling it_ were entirely separate matters. “And you had no choice.”

Alex’s head bowed. She spoke into her mug, forehead pinching. “We all have choices.”

“A choice between Winn and Jeremiah is no choice,” Lena countered, tone flat but eyes soft. “And you know it.”

“Do I?”

“Yes.”

Another pause. Alex exhaled long and slow, reaching over to place her mug on the table (on a coaster because _shit_ everything in Lena’s house was fuck off expensive). She rubbed roughly at her eyes.

“What do I do now?”

Lena just watched her for a moment, eyeing the curl of her spine, the edges of shock softening. Knowing that what came next was going to be dark and hard and would eat a little further at the cages of her soul.

She thought about what she would need – if it were Lex. _When_ it was Jack.

Thought about Kara, still reeling from the loss of _Alex_ , coming to her office and letting her be empty and angry and _sad_. Thought about the store-bought flowers, and the soft hug and how even though she was shattered into a million pieces, it ended up being okay. 

“Now,” she placed her mug on the armrest of the sofa, leaning forward so she could catch her friends’ eye. “You let the people who love you look after you.”

* * *

Maggie had never been more grateful for her Triumph than today. Which is saying something. But (illegally) lane splitting through afternoon traffic is the only reason she didn’t combust on the way to Lena’s.

_“Hey Maggie. It’s Lena. I don’t know if you’ve spoken to Lucy– oh, alright. Well, Alex is at my place, and I think you should come over.”_

And then the CEO refused to provide further information over the phone.

But Lucy and Alex had been suspiciously offline since lunch. Lucy never got back to her about the liaison meeting they’d set up for next week and Alex didn’t let her know what she wanted for dinner. And they’d _both_ failed to acknowledge her slightly inappropriate comment about a Ky-free-night, while she slept over at Ruby’s.

So, suspicious.

But she’d known Alex was doing DEO contract work today, and she had a habit of getting caught up in research. Plus, it had been a while since she and Vas got to catch up. And Lucy was always a wildcard about non-work communication while at work. So, Maggie hadn’t worried.

Until Lena called.

Which is why she parked her precious bike on the street, rather than wasting time with Lena buzzing her into the underground. Which is why she flashed her badge at the doorman, rather than wait for him to find her name on the visitors list. Which is why she used her spare key, rather than knock.

Plus – if Alex was upset, noise could be a trigger.

The vice around her chest loosened, just a little, at the sight of Alex curled up against the arm of the two-seater. She had a mug in her hands, and a blanket tucked around her. If Maggie had to guess, it looked like she was wearing Kara’s spare jumper. She was holding the beverage under her nose, the steam catching in the pulled-up hood.

At the sound of her placing her helmet on the side table, she looked up and over. She should have heard her come in.

Exhaling slowly, Maggie shucked her riding jacket, keeping her eyes on her partners slightly glazed look. She was blinking too slow, too precise.

“Alex,” she kept her voice loud enough to carry, but whisper soft. Just in case. “Babe, what happened?”

But Alex didn’t respond. Instead her eyes sank back to her tea, shoulders gathering tension like a storm.

Maggie moved to the couch, bracing one foot on the floor she sat sideways, close enough that her other knee was pressed against Alex’s blanket covered legs. But she didn’t reach over. Not yet. “Alex, are you okay?”

Which was a stupid question – because she wasn’t okay. She looked… dazed? Eyes a little too empty, reactions a little too slow. The pulled hood spoke of her trying to soften the sounds of the world, but the ability to hold a mug without it shattering likely ruled out a panic attack. 

But she wasn’t okay. And she didn’t seem able to answer her question.

“Are you hurt?” Basics first. Not that she thought Lena would let Alex sit here if she _were_ hurt, but she was at a loss.

Alex shook her head, closing her eyes.

“Did something happen at the DEO?”

A pause, then a tiny nod, her eyes remaining closed.

“Is Lucy okay? Kara?”

A nod, this more certain. Alex actually looked up to meet her eyes – an assurance that their family was safe. At least physically.

“Winn?”

Another pause. Alex’s jaw worked, teeth grinding as she looked down and shut her eyes again.

Maggie felt her heart lurch but refused to jump to conclusions. If Winn was seriously hurt, then the DEO was the best place for him to be. And she would have heard about a serious alien attack as the liaison.

She reached out, touching fingertips to Alex’s covered thigh. “Al, is Winn okay?”

“Winn is fine, Detective,” Lena’s voice from her right had her jerking her hand away from Alex. She held out another steaming mug. “Thank you for coming.”

Frowning, Maggie palmed the warmth of the cup, watching as Lena made her way back to where another mug had been abandoned. Looking down, she found her favorite – Green tea, probably with a touch of honey.

“What’s going on, Little Luthor?” She asked, glancing between the pair. Because Alex was clearly upset, and Lucy had yet to get back to her text and the room felt… shadowed.

But Lena looked at Alex with a tilted head, seemingly giving her the opportunity to explain. Even when speech felt impossible – like the words were too heavy to pull from her mouth. Like the weight of what she’d done was crowding her chest - filling her with cement.

Alex blinked, once, twice, a third time, and placed her mug on her knee. She couldn’t meet Maggie’s eyes though.

“Jeremiah broke into the DEO,” she started in monotone but for the shake. “He threatened Winn.” Another pause where Maggie placed her mug to the side, hands itching to touch her visibly trembling partner. “He… He had a gun to his head. And that look in his eye, you know? Where you know it’s not a bluff – when they have nothing to lose.”

And Maggie did know the look – she’d seen it dozens of times at work. It was the look that set fear into your heart– where your next choice was between you or the perp becoming a murderer.

Maggie’s heart burned with the sudden, horrific knowledge of where this was going.

Alex’s knuckles went white around the mug.

“So, I,” she looked off to the side – away from the people in the room – and Maggie could see how hard her jaw was clenching, how red her good eye was. “I tried to find an angle that would incapacitate him. Find that spot where I could… where Winn would be okay, and _he_ would… he would live. But-“

Her chin dipped, eyes squeezing closed as her voice shuddered. Her breathing shuddered. “I couldn’t _find it_.”

The breath that left her was half sob, and Maggie found herself taking the clenched mug from her hands – before she shattered it, human hand or no – and leaning closer. Found her heart slamming hard enough to pound in her ears.

But she still heard the next stuttered, broken words.

“So I… I- I,” her forehead pinched hard, jaw working as she tried to force words out. Force the awful rotten truth from her lips. Her chin dropped to her chest as tears slid free from squeezed eyes. “I took the shot.”

The final broken whisper cracked whatever calm, whatever shock, lingered in Alex, because then she was crumbling. Hand coming up to press against her eyes – press away the images of her father-Winn-the _blood_ – a single, wrecked, sob dragged from her chest.

Then soft, sure hands were on her. Pulling her around and against – until Alex was pressing Maggie into the back of the couch. Tucked against her chest, one hand in her hair as the sobs quickly grew out of her control. So, every heaved breath, ever strangled cry, was dragged from her, raw and violent, but in the safety of her partners arms.

She didn’t try to say anything, didn’t use empty words and platitudes – just let the agony burn through her partner for as long as it needed. Pressing her face against the top of her head, she held tighter when another gasp of air chocked out of her.

The shuddering, trembling girl in her arms dissolved, and Maggie just held on, heart breaking along with her. Mind spinning – mind caught. Turning her head, pressing a cheek to the soft hair instead, she looked over at Lena, who was watching on.

The detective noted the shades of guilt and pain but tucked that away for later. Instead, she just shared a look with their friend, who had summoned her here because Alex wouldn’t – not for this. Not for something that would eat away at her sense of worth – would fracture some of the work they’d done on her self-image.

The work they’d done since Alex came home with new scars and new pain and whispered broken words –

_“You were scared and alone and in pain and you had to do whatever you did to survive, Alex.”_

_“Isn’t that _how_ monsters are made?” _

So, Maggie knew Lena was the reason she was here – that Alex would have punished herself with isolation. Which is why, even as she quaked in her arms, Maggie locked eyes with the other woman and mouthed _thank you_.

Lena nodded, smiling back sadly. Watching the couple. Watching Maggie hold her friend together even as she came undone at the seams.

* * *

_“She’s here Lucy – She’s safe, I promise. I’ll look after her.”_

She’s safe. She’s safe. She’s safe.

No matter how many times she repeated it in her head, nothing made Lucy feel calm. Or settled. Or in the realm of okay.

But outwardly, she had to be all of those things. Because even though she wasn’t running the investigation, she was still responsible for it being done properly – even if that involved fugding the details later because Alex just _left_.

Alex left.

Fuck – she was _not okay_.

But Winn was even less okay. He had yet to stop trembling, sitting as small as can be in the med bay.

So, she sat quietly next to him, not acknowledging how tight his grip on her hand was. Instead, she ran her thumb over his knuckles every few seconds, counting her breaths.

_“Lois – no. Just… Lois! For... Shut up! I need to talk to Wonder- to Clark.”_

She carefully flexed and clenched her free hand, glancing at her phone for the millionth, useless, time. Mind whirling – around and around and around. 

The sound of the Glock still echoed. Almost like it never stopped.

_“Clark – Yes, I know she’s at the fortress… I don’t care how important it is! She needs to come home. Now.”_

She reached 100 breaths again, so she started her count backwards. Measured, careful.

She swiped her thumb over Winn’s hand again.

The wet thump of Jeremiah’s body.

Her phone buzzed.

> Vasquez (14:28): Incoming.

She exhaled slowly – trying to do some of the mental exercises the DEO therapist kept re-explaining. Like a slowly deflating balloon- _and not like you stabbed the thing!_

“Winn?” Kara’s voice was this side of sharp. Panic was clear as day in her expression, if the dent her landing left wasn’t indication enough. She didn’t even walk up the stairs, just flew directly up to the med bay. “Hey, what happened?” She stepped into the room, pressing a palm to Winn’s pale face. She glanced at Lucy. “Clark just told me to head straight over?”

“Kara,” Lucy spoke with calm that she did not possess, sliding off the bed. She squeezed Winn’s hand once before untangling their fingers. “Come on, sit.”

The Kryptonian didn’t even question it, just taking Lucy’s place, and Winn’s hand. Anxious eyes flicking between them.

She’d hoped that James would beat Kara here – hoped to avoid a choice between leaving Winn alone and telling Kara what happened in front of him. Because there was no way a Danvers let this kind of unanswered question hang.

“Guys, you’re scaring me,” she looked up at Lucy with wide, innocent eyes. The Director swallowed hard, crossing her arms as she looked at the floor. _Fuck_.

“Luce,” she jerked her head up at the sound of Winn’s voice. “It’s okay,” which, it didn’t _sound_ okay, but he was obviously trying to put a brave face on. “You can tell her.”

“Winn…” She eyed him, noting how curled his posture was. How white his knuckles were around the edge of the bed – around Kara’s fingers. “You don’t have to-“

“No,” he shook his head, jaw setting. “Please?”

She took a shuddering breath and nodded. Trusting him.

She stepped up to Kara, right into her space. “Kara,” she reached up and palmed her cheek, dipping her head to make sure their eyes were locked. “I need you to know that Alex is okay – she’s with Maggie and Lena and they’re going to take care of her until we get there.”

The Crinkle™ formed, eyes anxious, but she nodded. She trusted Lucy – trusted her sisters and Lena to look out for Alex.

All the formats of death notifications slammed through Lucy’s mind – the rules and recommendations flooding her. Making her hesitate. Making her chest burn.

“Jeremiah tried to infiltrate the DEO-“

“What?” She hissed, standing so fast that Lucy had to take a hard step back. Her head twisted – as if looking for him.

“Kara,” she stepped closer, hand finding her shoulder, squeezing to get her attention back. “Things escalated quickly, and Winn was put in the cross hairs.”

Her eyes widened further, but she stayed in Lucy’s grasp. A tremble started in her shoulders.

“Alex was forced to engage, and Jeremiah was shot. He’s dead, Kara,” she hated it. The harsh way that you had to do these things – the bluntness of notifications.

She hated that she didn’t even feel sorry that he was dead – that she couldn’t give her sister her condolences because she was _glad the fucker was gone_. All she was sorry about, truly, was that Alex and Kara were going to be hurt by this.

Alex was going to be broken by this. 

Kara went stock still, eyes locked with Lucy’s. “He’s dead?”

She nodded, squeezing her arm again. Watching closely- carefully.

“Alex killed him?”

Her jaw ticked, but she nodded again.

A longer pause – Kara finally closing her eyes, bowing her head just a little. Her hands clenched and unclenched while she worked through the first, clashing, colliding, emotions in her chest.

When she opened her eyes, they were wet and burning. She turned to Winn, but stayed under Lucy’s hand, wanting (needing) the connection. “Were you hurt? Are you okay?”

And in a typical Winn fashion, he nodded and shrugged and false smiled in one awkward go – because he wasn’t fine. He wasn’t okay. But he was alive, and Alex had saved him, and had stopped to make sure that he was okay and make sure he knew _this isn’t on you, okay, Winn? This is on me and him. You’re my brother and I love you and I’m so sorry you were put in the middle but you’re safe. And that’s what matters most._

“Okay, okay,” Kara nodded, turning back to Lucy rubbing at an eye with her cardigan sleeve. She exhaled through her nose before looking at her sister. “What do I do? Should I go see Alex? Or does she need less people? Or, god, I shouldn’t leave you, right? Cause you were here, and you saw… but-“ her breath rushed out of her, eyes taking on a new kind of panic. “Oh Rao, _Eliza_. What… what do we tell her? The _truth_? She’ll… Alex… She’ll be devastated. She’ll… oh no, who is going to tell her? I should right? Like when Alex disappeared? I mean… I- I…”

“Kara,” Lucy stepped in again, catching a gesticulating hand carefully. Tugging until Kara followed, letting her wrap both hands around it, pressing all three to her chest until the Kryptonian focused on her. Felt her heartbeat and locked with her eyes. “You don’t have to worry about that right now, okay?” She ducked her head, making sure that her sister was paying attention. “Right now, you get to just be upset and worried and when Maggie gets back to me about Alex’s state, we are going to head straight over, okay? I’ll look after everything – you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel.”

Shaking a breath, Kara bit her lip. Eyes welling further. “What am I supposed to feel right now though?”

Lucy actually glanced at Winn, unsure how to even approach that question. But he looked just as uncertain as her, eyes equally wet as he watched his friends. “Anything you want Kara.”

For a moment, they all let that sit. Felling what they felt.

“What if,” the Superhero started – looking as not-superhero like as she ever had. “What if I feel sad?”

Taking a hand away from Kara’s at her chest, she reached up and tucked some perfect blonde curls behind an ear, softening her eyes and lips as she looked up at the other woman. “You’re allowed to feel sad he’s gone, sweetie.” Which was definitely stealing Maggie’s pet name, but if there was ever a time. 

“Okay,” Kara nodded, a tear tracking along her nose. “Well, I feel sad then. And angry, I think. Confused. And…” her face finally cracked, teeth pressing together as she hopelessly fought the tears. “And I think I’m _sad_ Lucy?”

And then the Director had an armful of Danvers Sister – Kara pressing her face into the crock of her neck as she shook and cried and silently raged against the horrors that her family kept being subjected to.

It was fortunate that both Danvers sisters had people to hold them up, even- _especially_ when the world was crumbling around them.

* * *

Eventually, everything wound down. Alex was given another day before she had to come into the DEO and complete her interview, Lucy was sent home by an insistent Vas, Kara in tow. Lena lent Maggie her driver so that they could sit in the backseat together, Alex’s head on her shoulder while they got home.

She’s been mostly speechless since her tears dried up. Body heavy with tension, but too emotionally exhausted to express anything more.

Which is why she took the single seater to herself, letting Kara get sandwiched by her partners. Her skin was still buzzing, static under her skin – she didn’t think touch was what she needed right now. At least, not yet.

They’d turned on the TV but kept it low enough that it was essentially background noise – something to keep the silence at bay. But the knock at the door still made Alex flinch.

“I’ll get it,” Maggie murmured, pressing her lips to the side of Kara’s shoulder before walking to the door. Alex tracked her with tense eyes – the door opening had made her spine stiffen. “Hey, what are you guys doing here?”

And then Maggie was stepping to the side, letting whoever it was in. Ella was the first through the door – ignoring literally everyone in the room and beelining for Alex. She palmed her friend’s cheek, uncharacteristically serious expression tracking the still red eye, the clammy skin, the tight jaw. Scratching at the skin by her ear, she gave her friend a fraction of a smile.

“We heard what happened,” Drew’s gruff voice from the doorway, still standing with Maggie, pretending to be polite and not just barge in.

“Lincoln?” Lucy asked, still not moving from Kara.

“You think that guy _knows_ how to break protocol?”

“Who then?” Because no other Exodus crew had been in central command today – there’d been a big mission the previous afternoon and most of them had been on it…. Which further explains the timing of Jeremiah’s attack, the Director suddenly realized. Cadmus had stacked the deck - removed aliens most likely to kill on sight, and (assumed) Alex's presence would buy them some liberty. The though set rage burning in her veins. 

“Vasquez texted me,” Drew shrugged, stepping further into the room and crossing their arms, standing awkwardly before everyone.

“Course she did,” Lucy muttered, rubbing at an eye with her wrist. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t tell me that.”

Drew dragged half a smile. “Whatever you say boss.”

EL, meanwhile, had shifted, sitting on the arm of the chair, hand planted right behind Alex’s head on the cushion.

It looked almost protective.

“What are you guys doing here?” Alex’s voice was sandpaper, too quiet and too rough. El’s hand contracted around the cushion, sharing a look with Lucy across the room. Sharing the fury that burned in their chest. “I’m not really up for talking.”

“We know,” El replied, running a thumb over the short hair at the back of Alex’s head, eyes softening.

“Official business unfortunately,” Drew’s arms flexed, their expression darkened.

“Official?” Maggie asked, tapping the side of Drews arm with the beer she’d grabbed from the fridge. That off-brand stuff that the Exodus aliens tended to prefer – reminded them of the ale they’d been stuck with on board. She didn’t return to her seat, but she did make her way to stand between the occupied couches. “Everything okay?” 

Drew’s jaw ticked, fingers drumming against the bottle while they thought.

“Drew?” Alex’s voice regained a little volume but was still harsh. “Just spit it out, okay?”

They exhaled, looking over at their Captain. “The wergild* ratifications have started to come through.”

Alex exhaled a shaky breath, closing her eyes against the information.

“Wergild ratifications?” Lucy, leaning a little closer to the conversation, but not taking her hand from Kara’s thigh. Kara, who had grown instantly stiff with the phrase.

Drew glanced their boss, and then their Captain, torn.

But it was Alex who answered, locking eyes with her Second. “Blood debts.” She explained, dropping her legs to the floor and leaning elbows on them. She rubbed her face hard as she tried to work through the new and horrible emotions that came up from this conversation.

“The practice of mansbot,” Kara explained, noting that no other off-worlder wanted to explain what was happening to the humans in the room. She watched Alex’s expression fracture as she spoke, feeling her heart join her. “Basically, putting value on the life or suffering of someone, which has to be paid with death.”

“So, killing Jeremiah…” Lucy began, squeezing Kara’s leg.

“Killing Jeremiah Danvers paid off a significant portion of the blood debts owed by the Danvers Clan.”

Alex ran a harsh hand through her hair, still staring at the floor – unable to process this information being shared. Even though she _knew_. Even though she should have _expected this_.

But with everything else – with the shock… it just hadn’t occurred to her.

Even though this debt had haunted the back of her mind for… six years? Seven? Since it was explained to her by a gruff, disinterested Lyron. Since it had been shouted at her while a crew member was dragged off her, raving and screaming about taking his payment _now_ – taking what was owed to him for the death of his wife upon entrance in Takron-Galtos – Alex's blood smeared across his knuckles.

“Who’s left?” She asked the floor, unable to look anyone in the eye. Unable to confront the reality of the debt murdering her father _paid off._

“I expect we’ll continue to receive ratifications over the next week or so as the news spreads,” Drew bit in the inside of their lip as they said it. “But, culturally speaking, there are only a handful outstanding.”

“Drew?” Alex asked, finally looking up – the sentence finishing silently. _Just spit it out._

“Circadians reframed wergild generations ago – they’ll still hold you to the personal actualization standard which… you still haven’t met yet, apparently. Even though Naltorians cleared the same debt standard years ago,” Drew frowned, as far as they would go in judging that decision on the Circadian’s behalf. “Orthodox Valeronians and won’t accept anything but _your_ blood – but, honestly, Fartex’s family won’t take action.”

Alex exhaled, working her jaw as she categorized that – stored that information. She could process it properly later – her bandwidth was already spent.

“What about the Gaesend family?”

Drew glanced at El, who shifted, just slightly. “They got back to us.”

Alex frowned, sitting up a little. “What is it?”

“Ah… about that.”

And then El stabbed her.

Or that’s what it felt like.

One second, El was shifting her body weight, the next blinding pain shot down her good shoulder – traveling until it gathered in her heart. It was on fire, her pain dunk mind told her. She pressed a hand to her chest – trying to contain the radiating, burning pain. So shocking, overwhelming, she couldn’t hear beyond the rushing, pounding in her ears – drowning out the panicked voices of her family while she stumbled to her feet – away from the ‘perpetrator’. 

“What the _fuck_ El?” She wheezed, feeling the pain already draining away. Dripping from her heart and into her chest cavity until it started to dissipate.

“Sorry, sorry! I’m _so_ sorry, Al!” El’s eyes were wide, hands up in surrender from the standing Lucy, Maggie and Kara who looked set to respond – unsure how but respond regardless. It was only the year and half plus of seeing Ella’s love for Alex that kept their hands from firearms (and Kara’s eyes from lasers). 

Alex rubbed at her shoulder, even though the pain was already faded – just the shadow of ashes in her heart. “What the hell _was_ that?” She muttered, looking between the guilty crew.

“The Gaesend’s sent it,” Drew explained, wincing. “It nullifies the mark you stupidly let them place.”

“Okay, and you stabbed me instead of, I don’t know, _giving it to me_ , because?”

El, now sure that no one would shoot her, tossed the stamp at Alex. “We weren’t completely sure you’d take it willingly.”

“Are you _serious_?”

“You do have a self-sacrificing streak Cap,” Drew agreed. “Thought this was the safer plan.”

Alex glanced between the pair; eyes incredulous. “You’re both fired.” 

El glanced at Lucy, then Drew, then back at Alex. “You don’t employ us?”

“I don’t care,” Alex muttered, finally dropping her hand from her shoulder, dropped her head against the wall. “You’re fired. Effective immediately.”

“Okay…?” Ella shared a look with Lucy, who had a ghost of a smile on her lips.

Drew rocked on their heels, glancing around the room. “Want us to leave ya be, Cap?” Because they’d found their balance, mostly – the equilibrium between Alex’s families. And this, Jeremiah Danvers, was solidly _Earth Family_ territory. 

There was a long pause, where Alex just stared at the ceiling.

Eventually, she sighed, dropping her head forward to look in El’s direction – keeping her gaze to her right, not quite able to make eye contact. Not quite able to submit herself to that kind of vulnerability. “Could you… would you stay? Just for a little while.”

“Course,” Drew answered. But El was already moving, wrapping her arms around her friend before she even had the chance to protest.

And it was there, surrounded by a blend of her worlds, in the aftermath of her worst day, that Alex finally came undone. Felt everything well in her chest and drip away. With Els’ arms around her, one hand on the back of her head, the other notched between her shoulder blades. With Maggie and Drew’s soft eyes on them, and Lucy tugging Kara back to the couch with her. That’s where Alex just… let herself be.

Let herself accept that she did have a choice.

And she chose her found family.

And that was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I'm stealing from Medieval history because I'm currently writing a thesis on violence in the Middle ages and I am very, very tired and could not be bothered trying to mix up the language and stuff. Apologies to all the other historians out there who are pained by my butchering of this concept.


	5. Depression

_Alex tightened the straps on the unfamiliar uniform. It was… too tight. Too constricting. Too much._

_But hers now, whether she wanted it or not._

_A new leader had to be chosen before the old could be let go. Or, that was the ruling. She supposed she understood, as uncomfortable as it made her. Letting go would be hard enough, without something else to hold on to – some hope that there was still someone willing and able to lead them all out of this hell. Lead them home._

_Unfortunately for her, she was the one they decided to hold onto._

_The vote hadn’t even been that close._

_“Ma?” Ky’s boots clanged as she jumped the lip of their room, rather than stepping over like the civilized person she wasn’t. “You ready?”_

_“Almost.” There was no mirror in their quarters, but she felt off. Running a hand through her waxed hair, she was careful not to move the strap of her eye-patch._

_“You look weird,” Ky said with all the tact of her thirteen years, tilting her head._

_But Alex nodded, tugging at the high collar. “I know right?” The formal wear rarely got used outside of diplomatic assignments, and it felt even more foreign now._

_“Never thought I’d see a Captain’s badge on you,” she shrugged, hopping clear over the double bed. She pulled out her own ‘formal’ attire, frowning at the sight. “Plus, you always look super awkward in fancy stuff.”_

_Alex smirked, leaning against the wall as she watched her kid with her one eye. “You saying I don’t clean up nice?”_

_“I can’t picture you at, like,_ nice places _.”_

_“I’ll have you know; I rock a dress and heals.”_

_“_ What _?” Ky spun around; eyes wide. “_ You’d _wear a dress?”_

_Alex smirked, thinking back to the last time she’d decked herself out – date night with Lucy and Maggie which turned into Alex abandoning her heels in an alley to chase down a subject while her partners pulled the car around to cut him off._

_Choosing not to answer, she jerked her head at the outfit hanging from her kid’s fingers. “Get dressed – the lights almost over.”_

_“Yeah, yeah,” but she started to get ready, leaving Alex to tug at the hem of her stiff, long sleeved uniform. It was all black, except the silver of her Captain’s Badge. In typical space attire, it was armored, but lighter than her actual battle gear. The chest and back plates were hard, but the arms thinner fabric – the only saving grace was that this event didn’t call for the cape. She didn’t need that kinda opulence today._

_For a moment, she watched her kid struggle into her outfit – she’d about grown out of it. They’d have to pick up something new at the next port._

_“Hey, how are you doing? With everything?”_

_Ky didn’t even pause, shrugging as she tucked in her shirt. “Okay I guess.”_

_“I know it’s been a hectic few days, I’m sorry I haven’t been around much.”_

_Her daughter half smiled, tugging her boots back on after her pants change. She only owned the one pair. “Oh, I’ll never forgive you. How dare you be busy. Leaving your favorite daughter to fend for herself on a ship packed fulla weird aunts and uncles who would check my temperature_ daily _if you asked them.”_

_“Hush,” Alex chuckled, stepping forward to straighten her collar. “So, you’re okay then?”_

_Another shrug, but not enough to displace her mother’s hands on her shoulders. “I’m a little sad – I knew Gabriella from the kitchens. And it was scary, you know? That you got hurt so bad again.”_

_Alex smiled sadly, putting a hand to her cheek, thumb stroking under her eyes. Identical to hers – a change that never failed to warm her heart. Even now, when her daughters left eye was the only copy left. “I’m okay now, though.”_

_And she was. The painkillers they had her on made the burning in her eye socket manageable, and Dryl was already working on a prosthetic. The only time it was unbearable was in the mid-afternoon – after the medication wore off before she could take more – when she hid in Freyer’s quarters until it dulled. Until she could face everyone –_ her _crew. The people she was now responsible for._

_The people waiting for her in the loading dock._

_“Alright,” Alex took a step back, pushing Ky’s head away just to make her laugh a little. Just to break the tension. “We better get going.”_

_She couldn’t be late to her predecessor’s funeral._

* * *

Lucy sat on the edge of the bed, cup of coffee pressed between her hands, watching her partners pack. Trying to ignore the guilty gnawing feeling in her stomach.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” Lucy asked for the umpteenth time.

“You know I _want_ you to come Luce,” Alex answered, zipping up her suit and turning to face her partner. “I just don’t think it’ll help the day go any smoother.”

Frowning, she dropped her eyes to the liquid in her hands, swirling the remains. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” fingers tipped her jaw, bringing their gazes together. Alex smiled around the deep shadows under her eyes. She hadn’t slept through a night since the shooting. “It’s not your fault, okay?”

Twisting her lips, the director conceded with a nod.

“Don’t trust me with our girl, Lane?” Maggie’s disembodied voice from the bathroom asked.

She rolled her eyes but called back, “your shared catchphrase is _literally_ ‘ride or die,’ Sawyer! Not exactly comforting.”

Alex chuckled, pressing a kiss to the side of her head before returning to the bags. They were only going for a night. Eliza had steadfastly refused to answer calls from anyone but Kara, so they’d decided to book a hotel, necessitating slightly more luggage.

“You’re just jealous,” Maggie teased, tossing Alex a bag of toiletries to pack in their shared duffel.

“Of your _catchphrase?_ Yeah, no,” she put her mug aside, reaching out to tug Maggie to stand between her legs. She was wearing some of Alex’s flannel, softened with age. “I think there are enough nerds in this relationship, thank you.”

“Hey!”

But Lucy and Maggie were busy sharing a smirk. Dropping to a crouch, Maggie’s hands splayed on her thighs. “What’s your plan tonight?”

A shrug, fingers drifting to strands of the detective’s hair. “Ky decided what she wants to do?”

Alex, soft eyes watching her partners intimacy, just shrugged. “Not yet.”

Kind enough to turn her head, Lucy shouted out their open bedroom door. _“Ky!”_ Maggie still winced.

“What?” A distant voice called back. Lucy smirked, turning back to Maggie without responding. A beat, and then a louder, _“what?”_

“You’re mean,” Maggie murmured, catching the hand on her cheek and pressing a kiss to the upturned wrist.

“ _Lucy?”_ some muttering which barely traveled through the house. Then Ky was phasing directly through the wall which connected to the hallway. “Oh my god, what is it?”

Lucy just grinned up at the irritated teenager. “What’s your plan tonight?”

“Oh, you know.” Even after two years, Lucy was still astounded by how easily the girl shifted from disgruntled to awkward. She scratched at her arm, eyes shifting away from the couple by the bed. Avoided Alex altogether. “Just… whatever works for you guys.”

Alex shared a look with Lucy, who frowned a little.

It was made immediately clear that Ky would not be joining them to Midvale. She’d never met Jeremiah in anything but a traumatic scenario and her complicated feelings about her grandfather shouldn’t be unpacked at his _funeral_. And Alex didn’t need her kid exposed to her _own_ complicated feelings.

And whatever it was Eliza was going to do.

So, she was staying back. At sixteen she was given the freedom to choose where to spend her Saturday night.

Maggie, rather than remaining at the awkward vantage point, finally stood and sat next to Lucy, hand finding the small of her back as she looked up at the teenager. “What’s up, KD?”

“Nothing.” Ky wrinkled her nose, eyes still examining the far window. “I’m fine. Totally normal.”

“Oooookay,” Alex started, pushing off the wardrobe to approach. “What are you overthinking?”

“Pffft,” Ky waved a hand in her mother’s direction. “No idea what you’re talking about. I don’t _overthink_.”

“Right,” Alex nodded seriously, dipping her head to try catch Ky’s eye. “Course not. So, what’re your plans tonight?”

Then anxious eyes were on Lucy, Ky rocking on her heal.

“Ky,” Lucy started, leaning back into Maggie’s fingers under her pajama shirt. “Are you worried about _me?_ ”

“What? No,” but the shaking head was a little too vigorous, hands tugging sleeves. “Never. You’re like – a grown person. And a badass. But like, ya know, I don’t wanna leave you _alone_ … but like, you obviously don’t _need me_ or anything-“

“Ky,” she worked hard to keep endearment off her face, not wanting the overthinking teenager to misinterpret. “You can do whatever you want tonight, I’m good, promise.”

Lucy was a little startled to see her own courtroom expression looking back at her – the scrutinizing glint that was always effective on cross-examination. Looking for the lie. “Are you sure?”

Sighing, Lucy finally stood, Alex stepping aside so she could grip her shoulders. She shook her gently, watching the serious shake off her face a little, lips curling at the corners. “Your job is to have a good Saturday night, alright? Not look after my grown ass.” They’d been working on this – the internalized responsibility growing up on a spaceship where everyone had to work to survive – where Ky had to support her family more than any kid should ever have to. Working on letting Ky just be a teenager. “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself for a night.”

A spark of Ky’s normal sharp levity entered her eyes. “I have literally zero evidence of such a claim.”

“Oi,” Lucy shoved a hand against her head, pushing her away even as she laughed. “I’m a fully functional adult.”

She grinned properly now. “You burnt water last week.”

Scandalized eyes tracked Ky as she took a retreating step back. “That was _not my fault!”_

“Oh yeah?” Ky’s arched eyebrow belonged on Alex’s face – Lucy felt something in her heart expand. “Who’s was it then?”

Making her smirk just this side of inappropriate, she noted the exact moment the teenager realized her mistake. Face wrinkling, she took a hasty step back phasing right back through the wall. “Coward!” Lucy shouted.

“I’ll spend the night with Ella!” the muffled response came, followed by the closing of a bedroom door.

“You trying to scar my kid, Lane?” Alex asked, smile as genuine as it had been since the shooting.

“ _Your_ kid?” Lucy raised an eyebrow, stepping into the taller woman’s space. “And yet when she crashed the car last month you called her ‘ _my spawn’_.”

“Yeah well,” Alex pressed her forehead to the other woman’s, eyes closing at the warm proximity. Letting the tightness in her chest unravel an inch. Let herself breath for a moment. “You taught her to drive – that’s on you.”

Lucy’s chuckle filled the space, only dampened by the knowledge that in twenty minutes she was going to have to walk her partners to the front door and trust them to look after each other.

Even though, in her gut, she just knew that no amount of looking out for each other was going to be enough. 

* * *

Maggie’s grip on the steering wheel was white knuckled. The _only_ reason she was driving was because Kara was a menace on the road and Alex was only loosely tied to reality. But Maggie was struggling with her own spiraling thoughts.

The first time she went on this drive, it was for another funeral.

Alex’s.

Swallowing hard, she reached over, scratching at the fabric of Alex’s jeans. Needing that connection. That reminder.

_She’s here. She’s safe._

_She. Came. Home._

She’d been staring out the window for the entire drive, forehead resting on the glass. Mind… drifting. But the feel of Maggie’s fingers had her looking over with a fraction of a smile. Tangling their fingers together, Alex brought her fingers to her lips, watching how a little of the tension drained from Maggie at the gesture.

“It’s gonna be okay,” she murmured, placing their joined hands back on her lap.

“I think that’s my line, Danvers.”

Alex just shrugged. “Thank you for coming.”

Maggie spared her a quick glance, tightening her grip around her fingers. “I’m always in your corner,” she glanced at the rearview mirror. “Yours too, LD.”

Kara’s smile lacked its usual intensity, but it was something. An improvement.

Noting the _Welcome to Midvale!_ sign, Maggie shifted in her seat. “You sure you want us to drop you at Eliza’s, Kar?”

A pause, where Maggie knew the girl of steel was biting back her real answer – burying the part of her that _wanted_ her sisters close – letting the part that _needed_ to look after Eliza win.

“I’m sure,” she answered, voice this side of shaky. The pinch of her eyebrows and cast of her eyes also have her away. “But, ah, could you guys… ya know, stay close? I mean… during?”

“I got your back, Kara,” Maggie assured, smothering the swell of anger in her chest.

Eliza had… made it impossible for Alex to engage with her. Refused any and all phone calls, texts. Leaving Kara to do most of the coordinating – the go between for her foster mother and sister. A horrible, sticky, awkward position, which had Kara wringing her hands and biting her lip.

But Maggie knew it was killing her. Both of them.

And she knew it boded poorly for the rest of the day.

But she still dropped Kara off – at the bottom of the drive – parking the car so that she could receive hugs from both her sisters. Alex held on for an extra second. Maggie missed whatever it was that she murmured in the Kryptonian’s ears, but Kara was nodding and almost smiling when she pulled away. 

Which left Alex and Maggie alone in their hotel room – the latter watching the former just stare into her reflection. She kept running her fingers along the edges of her blazer. A look of intensity that was familiar to Captain Danvers, not Alex.

Maggie leaned a shoulder on the jam of the bathroom door, arms crossed, eyes soft. “What’s on your mind?”

A pause, where Alex didn’t look away from the mirror. When she spoke, it was as if from far away. “I shouldn’t have come.”

Another pause, where the detective squinted at her partner. Alex had helped every step of the way with the planning – even though it hurt – even though it killed – even though guilt plagued nightmares haunted her every night. She spent hours at Kara’s; picking the casket and speaking to the priest, organizing program printing. She spent hours at Kara’s planning her father’s second funeral with the memory of the first lingering in the back of her mind. The echo of the Glock echoing right behind it. 

But when Kara had asked if she was coming… Laying in her bed after a long night of shared takeout and horrible tasks. With scared wet eyes. Alex really had no other choice.

She would always protect her sister.

But right now, she didn’t feel like being there was doing anyone any good.

“You have every right to be here.”

She titled her head towards Maggie but didn’t meet her eyes. “I’m the reason there even is a funeral.”

Maggie dropped her hands, taking a half step towards her. “Al…”

“No, Mags, I’m right,” she turned, resting her hip on the counter and pressing her bad fist against the sink – the prosthetic visibly trembling. “We can tiptoe around it all we like, but I killed him. I’m the reason we’re here. And my mom…” she closed her eyes, taking a deep, shuddered, breath. “My mom obviously doesn’t want me here. So, maybe… maybe I shoulda stayed away.”

Maggie dipping her head to make sure her partner met her eyes, approaching cautiously. “Alex,” she caught the corner of her jaw, meeting her gaze. “If you don’t want to go, I’ll back you. We can camp out here, order takeout, and wait for Kara to give us the all clear. But…”

“You think I should go.”

She tilted her head, free hand grazing her clenched fist. Knowing that the nerves in her arm had been firing violent for days – worse since this morning. “I think that if we stay here you are going to worry about Kara so much you’ll end up going anyway.”

Which… fair. But she didn’t have to call her out like that.

“I’m scared.” A murmur so soft, so genuine, that it defied every aspect of the reputation Captain _and_ Agent Danvers inspired. But it’s this tenderness, the human part of her, that Alex Danvers indulged with a select few. So, she allowed herself to be vulnerable in this moment, with Maggie and her soft eyes and even softer touch – gently unwinding her clenched fist.

The detective wished she could offer some platitude – a promise that everything would be okay. That this would be hard, and painful, but they would get through.

Her gut knew better.

But Alex got her moment – to stand with one of the loves of her life, in a badly lit hotel bathroom. Got to press her forehead against Maggie’s and breath in her unique perfume. Got to draw comfort from the familiar. Got to… breath for another minute.

Before she had her heart ripped from her chest.

* * *

“Alright, I’m off!”

“You kids have fun,” Lucy called back, flicking between channels. The Bachelor didn’t have the same appeal without Maggie’s running commentary, and she’d promised to finish Ninja Warrior with Alex.

“You know Ella is like, fifty years older than you, yeah?” Ky asked, leaning her shoulder against the archway into the living room.

“Between the two of you, _you’re_ the responsible party,” Lucy muttered, squinting at the program – whatever happened to brain rotting reality TV? But no, there can be seven iterations of NCIS.

“Gee, thanks.”

“See? You knew that wasn’t a compliment.”

Rolling her eyes, Ky watched the older woman try and distract herself. She’d place good money on her itching to go to work – fill her time and mind with tasks rather than sit in her own anxiety. She’d bet the moment she left Lucy’d be slipping into her uniform and working her 7th shift this week.

And Ky got it. She’d been anxious and… a little scared since she’d come home that day. After Jeremiah.

She’d seen her mom in the aftermath of many tragedies. Seen her after a close friend’s autopsy; at the funeral of crew mates; limping on board after weeks of captivity; inches from death on a hospital bed. But she’d never seen her mom quite like that. She’d been… unsteady. Caught between emotions – relief and agony waring on her face. So, Ky’d been anxious – worried about her family who were processing a complicated loss that she (for once) didn’t share or really understand.

But she had Ella, who had promised pizza and video games and wouldn’t press her to talk about her grandfather’s funeral or her mother’s confusing pain.

Lucy, right now, didn’t have anybody. So, just like the rest of her parental unit, the director would throw herself into work. 

Which is why Ky meddled.

Alex would be so proud.

The knock at the door had Ky perking up and Lucy narrowing suspicious eyes. “What did you do?”

“What, me?” Ky placed a hand on her chest, backing into the entry space as she spoke.

“Ky?”

“I can’t believe you don’t trust me!” she lamented with a grin, still backing up, hand catching the front door’s handle. “The betrayal!”

“You and Kara are definitely related,” Lucy muttered, switching off the TV and preparing for whatever fresh hell the youngest Danvers had in store for her.

“Lena! Hey,” Ky answered, not looking away from Lucy with an absolutely unapologetic smile. “Come in, come in, Lucy’s happy to see you!”

Perfectly manicured eyebrows arched, hesitating at the threshold, looking between the family.

But Lucy’s eyes remained fixed on the teenager. “You’re a little shit.”

“A _sarcastic_ little shit, and you love me.” And just like that, just like every time Ky repeated the words Lucy’d used to first tell her they were family, the director softened. Smile pulling at her lips even as her jaw flexed to try and hide it.

“Get out of here you menace,” she finally conceded, waving Lena in. “The woman’s got the good scotch and we aren’t allowed to enjoy it with minors present.”

Ky rolled her eyes but did hop forward to press a kiss to Lucy cheek before leaving. As she brushed past Lena she gave her a wink, closing the door behind her.

“I take it you were unaware of our plans this evening?” she asked, placing the bottle on the side table to remove her blazer.

“Not a clue,” she pushed off the couch, heading into the kitchen for some glasses. “How’d she convince you I did?”

Lena pulled her phone out of her purse, handing it over once glasses were placed on the counter.

Lucy frowned at the string of messages – all under her contact. Correctly so, if the preceding, legitimate messages about DEO L-Corp consultations were anything to go by. “Just… how?”

Lena smirked at the woman who essentially operated a secret government black sight and let her sixteen-year-old daughter hack her primary device. “She cloned your phone.”

“ _Winn_ secures our communications.”

Lena unscrewed the scotch, pouring Lucy a couple of fingers. “I’ve learnt stop questioning the Exodus aliens’ capabilities.”

“Alex included?”

“Alex _predominantly_.”

Chuckling, Lucy replaced the phone with the glass. _Fuck_ , Little Luthor always brought the good stuff. And they didn’t keep anything stronger than beer in the house anymore, so this was a downright treat.

“How’r you doing by the way?” Lucy asked, leading them back to the couch.

“I believe I’m supposed to be asking you that.” But the director just shrugged, sitting with her back against the arm and giving her friend full attention. “What makes you think I’m anything but fine?”

The smallest of smiles. “Maggie.”

“Ah,” Lena nodded, running a thumb along the ridge of her glass. “Of course.”

The silence dragged for a minute, Lena staring into her glass, Lucy staring at her. Out of the triad, she was the most likely to respect emotional walls. Meanwhile, Maggie and Alex were prone to taking a jackhammer to them.

“I worry about them.”

“Who?”

Lena offered an unimpressed look but elaborated. “Kara, Alex.”

Lucy nodded sagely, swirling her glass. “The Danvers sisters do inspire a certain anxiety.”

“Try blind panic.”

Lucy chuckled, nodding. “Fair.” But Lena’s smile dipped, a more serious edge finding home in her eyes.

“Do you-“ and then she shook her head, just barely. But Lucy waited – patient as ever. Took another sip. “Do you ever get used to it?”

“Used to what, exactly?”

A smile tugged at the CEO’s lips, but it wasn’t entirely happy. “Used to loving indestructible… breakable women?”

It was a genuine question, so Lucy gave it genuine thought.

Thought about Alex. Thought about the weekend they spent watching Exodus logs – watching Alex survive impossible, horrific odds. Thought about the nightmares that gripped her, and the phantom pain that lingered around her arm, her eye. Thought about the scars which marred her body – each a sign of her suffering. Her surviving. Thought about her choosing between her father and her brother, crumbling in the aftermath, and agreeing to go to the funeral anyway. Thought about how she still got up every single morning, and committed herself to her family, her friends, to the alien community of which she felt so irreparable responsible for. Even when other people, most people, would never be able to face another day.

And Lucy thought about Kara. Thought about her crushing a car in the aftermath of the Exodus. Thought about the girl of steel telling her she was _broken_. Thought about how, less than six months later, she got up and celebrated Hanukkah, even though it wasn’t her religion. Even though it hurt. Thought about how she still got up every single morning, and committed herself to her family, her friends, and the population of earth of which she felt so irreparable responsible for. Even when other people, most people, would never be able to face another day.

She thought about the fear that swelled in her throat at every mission. At every mishap. At every tear and shout and nightmare – for both- _all_ the Danvers girls.

“No, I don’t think you do.” A harsh exhale, almost a laugh, escaped the CEO as she nodded. Lucy Lane was many things; a liar was not one of them. “But, personally, I think it’s still worth it.”

Because Kara’s hugs made her feel at home. And Alex’s smile set her heart on fire.

Because the Danvers Sisters should come with a warning – _Irresistibly lovable, equally reckless: Proceed with caution._

“I love her.”

“I know.”

“I hate that I can’t be there.”

“I know.”

“I hate that my mother is the reason they lost their father,” Kara’s _second_ father.

“I know that too,” a pause. Lucy drained her glass and leaned forward. “You feel guilty.”

A smirk, self-deprecation lingering in the corners. “I know.”

Rolling her eyes, the director pushed on. “Well, you shouldn’t. You aren’t responsible for your family.”

“Being a Luthor is a life-sentence.”

A pause.

“I sent Alex and J’onn to a Cadmus lab for treason.”

Lena choked on her scotch, violently. Coughing, she turned wide eyes back to the Director “ _What?”_

“Being a Lane may not have the same headline, Luthor, but trust me,” she smirked. “I understand a family legacy. So no, you shouldn’t feel guilty. And yes, we are going to sit in this apartment and get drunk enough that we forget our girlfriends are attending possible the most confusing funeral ever. And tomorrow, we are going to be there for them when everything inevitably goes to hell. That work for you?”

Lena just blinked at the other woman – the woman she’d been friends with for years now. The woman who would, one day, be her sister-in-law (Rao willing). And suddenly, inexplicably, felt better.

If they couldn’t be with their girls, then at least they could be with each other.

* * *

The Midvale cemetery was exactly as she remembered it. Church sitting high, a small front lawn trying to soften the imposing edges of the building. Failing.

She’d hated this church since she was fourteen. Since her mother forced her into an black dress and they buried an empty grave – _closure_. That’s what her mother had called it. An _opportunity_ to say goodbye to her father.

Which was ironic, because it seemed like Eliza was the only one who didn’t let go. The day after the funeral, dress clothes still hanging on bathroom hooks, her mother had gone into the lab. Left a note, which Alex still recalled to this day.

_“Emergency at work – don’t wait up. Make sure Kara isn’t late to her tutor and eats dinner. Please don’t order in again. Love you.”_

The n on the ‘again’ had a larger ink stain at its finish, as if Eliza’d paused at the end of a sentence. Unsure how to complete it.

Dragged back into memories of stiff clothing and overwhelming confusion, Alex hesitated in the car, feeling Maggie’s hand twitch over her thigh.

“I need to find a park,” she murmured, watching Alex watch the church. “Do you want to get out or wait with me?”

Because small spaces were still a thing. Just like sudden sounds. Just like darkness.

But they were working on it. And Alex was generally pretty good at acknowledging her own needs.

“I’ll get out,” she muttered, eyes still locked on the pillars of the church. The same church she’d shuffled into at fourteen, in a dress which felt like someone else’s skin and clutching Kara’s shaking hand in case she wandered off. “See you inside?”

Maggie smiled, but not really, at the edges of vulnerability in her tone. “I’ll just be a minute, Danvers.”

Nodding, Alex opened the door.

The grass sank under her boots. There’d been a lot of rain this winter and the church grounds were suffering for it.

The church was exactly as she remembered it. Just as imposing. Just as… foreign.

She suddenly wished she’d stayed with Maggie. Even though the car felt too small – too suffocating – too much like the walls of the Pit to make her feel at all settled. Not that she felt settled out here.

She was halfway across the lawn when it started.

She chalked her lack of focus up to the fact that she was operating on autopilot.

Because she hadn’t been _this_ surprised at an assault since her first year of basic.

Eliza descended like a raging storm – eyes just as wild as she crashed down upon her eldest daughter.

 _“You!”_ her voice cracked in the middle, just enough to break Alex’s heart.

Just enough that she didn’t defend herself.

Pounding on her daughter’s chest – rage and grief boiling in her blood. Blinding her. 

Each blow was weaker than the last, Eliza dissolving with each second. Alex was made of iron, but every smack of her mother’s fist may as well have been to raw flesh. It cracked through her, shredding her chest and leaving her vulnerable and bleeding.

“Mom-“

“No!” Her voice was so shrill, it rang in Alex’s ears. Kara was striding over. “You _killed_ him! You- you- you _murdered my husband!”_

Another hit rained down on her chest, but the tears streaking down her mother’s face was much harder than any physical blow. “Mom,” she tried, finally catching flailing fists. The older woman seemed to sag under the constrains for a moment. She could feel her mother’s hands trembling under hers – her whole body was quaking. “Mom, I’m-“ but the frail words set her mother alight again. Fire washed away pain and she struggled under her daughter’s hands.

“ _How dare you come here,”_ she spat, acid on her tongue. Agony in her eyes. “ _How dare you show your face you-“_ she managed to rip her hands away from her daughters too gentle hold. The force of her fist against her chest had her taking an involuntary step back. _“You killed him! You killed your father! We could have – you could have saved him!”_

Kara’s arm wrapped around her foster mothers’ waist as gently as she could.

She pulled Eliza away her sister, even as she resisted. Hands dragging through air as she fought to get back to her daughter – fought to devastate her daughter. She didn’t seem aware of Kara’s hold, still spitting violent betrayed words. 

“Eliza- Eliza,” Kara tugged her around, pulling the rapidly dissolving woman against her chest. But her eyes were set on Alex, who looked like she’d been ripped open. Looked like she’d been broken.

But she couldn’t go to her sister. Couldn’t let go of their mother, who was shuddering and sobbing into her shoulder. Just had to watch as Maggie finally got to them, finally got to her sister and tugged her away from the scene, away from the woman who she loved and who had just broken her into a thousand, sharp pieces.

Had to listen as Maggie tried to coax Alex around, away. Had to watch as she pressed her hands to either side of her sister’s jaw, dragging their eyes together.

“Hey, Al, Alex,” Maggie whispered up, ignoring the unfolding scene in her peripheries. Eyes set on her girlfriends broken eyes. “You’re okay,” a lie. “Just breath,” an impossibility.

But Alex wasn’t crying. Her eyes were dry, her teeth clenched hard enough to ache. She felt like she’d been flayed – like her mother’s pain and fury and _betrayal_ had stripped her open. Torn out her insides and left her empty and exposed.

“Al, sweetie, what do you need?” Maggie’s eyes were hard, determined. But her hands were soft, fingers gentle against the underside of her jaw.

“I need you to look after Kara.” She was surprised by how steady her voice was. But she supposed all her emotions had been dragged from her when her mother’s murderous eyes set on her.

“Alex…” her jaw worked, one hand slipping into the loose hair at the side of her head.

“I- I have to go,” Alex exhaled once. Sharp. “And I need someone to look after Kara – I need- I need _you_ to look after Kara.”

Because she didn’t trust anyone else with their sister. Winn, James, J’onn… they were amazing men. But she didn’t trust anyone with their sister, except Lucy and Maggie. So, Maggie had to stay. Someone had to keep her sister safe during this. Someone had to hold her baby sister up during her second father’s second funeral.

And if Alex couldn’t, then Maggie would have to.

But Maggie looked like she would rather swallow glass then take even a single step away from her girlfriend. After watching Eliza devastate her on the lawn of a church she didn’t want to go in, before a funeral she didn’t want to attend. Watched Alex let a mother who she’d never felt she could make proud tear her apart over something she hated herself enough for. Hated herself enough for the both of them.

“Please,” a tremor finally entered her voice and Alex bit her lip against tears, looking away from her partners too gentle eyes. “Please Mags, I need Kara to be looked after. I- I need you to look after our sister, okay?” 

Maggie eyes finally slipped away, taking in how Kara hadn’t moved, Eliza still crumbling in her arms. The Kryptonian’s eyes were set on them, even as she ran a hand over her foster mother’s spine, even while she murmured soft soothing nonsense to the woman she didn’t want to be comforting.

Maggie knew Kara – knew her _sister._ Knew that she would hold Eliza up, because that was what she _had to do_ right now. Would hold her up and bury everything else while she looked after another. Knew that she needed her.

But Alex needed her more.

But what Alex needed was for Kara to be safe.

So, Maggie finally nodded, fingers digging in just a little against Alex’s skin. Taking a deep breath, she locked eyes with her girlfriend again. “Okay, okay,” she slipped her hands down, gripping the lapels of her jacket. The black on black on black suit really did look good on her. “I got Kara, promise.”

She placed one hand back on Alex’s cheek, squinting. “Promise to be safe until I get back?”

Alex nodded, once, before leaning down, pressing their foreheads together. “Promise,” she breathed into the space between them.

* * *

J’onn J’onzz had lost a great many things.

A world.

A culture.

A people.

A wife. Daughters. _Family_.

And then Jeremiah Danvers, dying in his arms, begged him to _take care of his girls_.

So, he found Alex. And then Kara found him. And together, they helped him build a life. The DEO gave him a purpose, but they gave him a _reason_. Filled his once empty world with love and friendship and _family_.

Somewhere along the way, Alex and Kara Danvers became _his_.

And then Jeremiah Danvers put _his daughter_ on a ship. Stranded her on the other side of the universe. Allowed his fear and pain and trauma to cloud everything so he saw no other way out but to create more devastation. And J’onn lost Alex.

And he still hasn’t forgiven himself.

Not for the sound of Alex’s last, desperate words over the screaming of the Exodus leaving the atmosphere: “ _No, listen! Look after them, okay? I… I got Lyra. And I’ll keep my promise. I’ll bring her home. Just, look after each other okay? I love-”_

Not for the sight of Kara, crumbled, staring at the hands that had failed to drag the ship to a stop. At the hands which had pressed against glass in direct mirror with her favorite persons. _“I failed. She’s. Alex is- She’s gone.”_

Hasn’t forgiven himself for impersonating Jeremiah and tricking her into betraying the DEO and suspending her. Hasn’t forgiven himself for forgetting who Alex was – forgetting that there was nothing on heaven or earth that would have kept her from trying to stop her father. Forcing her to act on her own – _risk_ on her own – and lose.

So, he lost a daughter that day. Almost two. Kara only survived for the support that she’d built around herself – for Winn and James and Lucy and Maggie – everyone that had lost Alex Danvers and held each other up for it.

But he still lost his daughter.

And then.

Then she came back.

And she brought… so much more with her.

She brought his _world_ back with her.

Brought _Ky_. Brought another Green Martian. A child who would help carry the legacy of their people. With whom he could _teach_ and _connect_ and _share_. Alex brought back a future for his people that he’d thought burned alive with the rest of his planet. And Ky was… a wonder. Strong and smart and quick but kind, thoughtful. The best of her mother.

And… His father. Who’d spent decades disassociating from reality, protecting himself behind mental walls so high, so strong that he couldn’t see salvation when it was right in front of him. Until he was brought aboard the Exodus, and Alex had found him – not even knowing who he _was_ yet. She found him and she sat with him and she told him stories about another Green Martian she knew – a man who had helped her build a life she could be proud of. Who raised her up, protected her, loved her.

_“J’onn. Your earth daughter is very special – she led me out of the prison of my mind. She brings great honor to our family – to our people. You should be proud.”_

And he was. So proud. Of Alex, and the person she is against all odds. In the face of pain that haunted her every move. In the face of tragedy that shadowed her life.

But now.

Now his earth daughter was hurting.

Even with the neural blocker preventing access to her mind, he knew. He could see. The moment she marched out of the cemetery – the set of her shoulders and deliberateness of her stride. Too decisive. Too much the soldier that she’d been trying to leave behind.

So, he sat through the funeral. Because that was what Alex would want – what he owed the Jeremiah Danvers who begged him to take care of his girls. Owed it to Kara, who had to gently pry her weeping foster mother’s speech from her fingers and finish the eulogy. Owed it to Maggie, who tucked Kara under her arm the moment they were reseated.

But the moment the procession moved to the grave, J’onn caught Maggie’s eye before leaving. Her grateful nod was all the permission he needed.

He tracked Alex right back to the Danvers family home, but the car was parked on the road and there was no sign of her in the house. Doors still locked, no answer.

It was only when he circled the back and fond the storage unit ajar that he realized where she’d gone.

The last place that she’d truly felt close to her father.

The beach was deserted this time of day – the water too flat for surfers to bother, the weather too cold for everyone else, even as the sun beat down.

He sat in the sand and waited; stolen towel tucked on his lap.

Watched.

If she knew J’onn was there, she didn’t show it. Laying back on her surfboard, feet hanging off the side, staring into the sky. Thinking about the constellations hidden from sight. Feeling the water rock her, the swell of the tide drawing her gradually into shore. Remembering the sound of her father’s voice, who woke up at the break of dawn every single day for an entire summer to teach her how to surf. Patient explanations, gentle instruction, genuine praise – her _dad_. Before he was taken. Before he was stolen.

She let herself drift. Let herself remember.

And then she sighed and rolled off– sinking under the water. Lingering in the silence, in the pressure of the ocean. Holding her breath for as long as she could – until she burned with newer memories (newer trauma’s) that forced her up. Breaking the surface and reboarding – swimming back to shore.

To reality.

To hurt and pain.

To… J’onn. Looking as out of place as humanly possible. Still in his funeral suit, arm resting on one knee in the sand. Tracking her every moment – protecting her. Even from herself.

“You didn’t have to come out here,” she said, jamming the board into the sand nearby, yanking the zip down the back of her wetsuit. 

“I know.”

She dragged the upper half of the material down, letting it hang around her waist, leaving her in a black sports bra. She crossed her arms, jaw working as she stared back up at the house.

“Are they back?”

“Not yet.”

She didn’t know whether that was meant to make her feel better or worse.

“Why aren’t you with the others?”

J’onn stared up her, taking in how her bionic hand was digging into its mirror, this side of painful. Took in the stiff set of her shoulders, the pinch in her forehead.

“You needed me more.”

“Kara needs you.”

“She has Maggie – you deserve support too, Alex.”

Silence. Her jaw worked, chin dipping against her chest.

When he next spoke, it was more tentative. More careful – knowing that each word was another inch of knife digging into her heart. “You’re allowed to grieve Alex.”

The snort that ripped out of her throat was accompanied by her arms dropping away, good hand coming to rub at her good eye. “No, I’m not.”

J’onn let the moment sit – let her stare off towards her childhood home, dripping wet. Skin erupting with ignored goosebumps.

He nudged his head to the side, even though she wasn’t looking. “Alex, come here.”

Nothing. Then her shoulders dropped – nose wrinkling as she fought tears – but she came. Dropping down next to J’onn in the sand – just shy of touching. Hugging her knees and resting her chin on top. Reached around, he wrapped a towel around her, draping it over her shoulders as she stared out into the ocean.

The dark, inky part of her mind wished it had been a rough day. A day where she would have had to fight to stay above the waves. Fight for each burning breath.

Another kind of guilt slammed through her at the thought.

“No matter what else he was,” he started, watching the drag of the tide. “You still lost your father.”

“I _killed_ him.”

Heart fracturing under her pain, J’onn kept his eyes cast outwards. Gave her as much emotional space as he could.

“You killed a Cadmus operative – your father died in Peru, protecting me,” he started, gentling his tone as much as possible. “His dying wish was for me to protect you – the man you killed was someone else entirely. A warped version that evil people used to hurt others. But your father died long ago, and you are _allowed_ to grieve that loss, Alex.”

“I-“ a stuttered breath. A pause. “I _killed_ him J’onn.”

“I know.”

“Even… even if he wasn’t my father – he looked like him. Spoke through his mouth – used my dad’s love to justify his actions. And… and I killed him.” Each word she spoke was quieter than the last.

“I know you know you had no choice.”

“Doesn’t help.”

“It will,” he assured. “With time. But right now, you can just mourn the man you loved – whether he died last week or last decade. You’re his daughter – that is your right.”

“I-“ Alex cut herself off, squeezing her eyes shut and inhaling. Letting the familiar damp air coat her lungs – anchor her to the earth. “I don’t know how.”

“There is no wrong way to grieve, Alex.”

“That’s just it,” she started, tilting her head toward J’onn but keeping her eyes fixed on the sand. “I… I don’t know how to grieve for him anymore.”

Silence, in which J’onn watched the side of Alex’s face. How the skin around her eye wrinkled, how her jaw ticked. 

“I think,” she started. Stopped. Started again. “I think I already mourned him. The man that… that taught me to surf, about the stars. The man that died in Peru.” Another pause where she took careful, measured breaths. “Even though he wasn’t dead, I still _believed_ he was. I still _mourned_ like he was,” as much as Eliza allowed. As much as was possible while looking after Kara and the house and _getting by_. “And then… and then we found him. And he came home – but that wasn’t my father. The… the man who put everyone on the ship, who dissected the aliens in that facility, who held a gun to Winn’s-“ she clenched her teeth against the disintegrating of her voice – shaking more with each word. “That man wasn’t my father. And I don’t know how to _grieve him_. But I’m still… I’m still _hurting_.”

J’onn just watched, fighting the urge to reach out, to drag the shaking woman into his arms. The Alex before the Exodus would not have acknowledged her hurt like this – would not have opened up like this – but she still couldn’t be pushed. She still had to offer her pain up willingly, otherwise she shut it all away. Buried it in her chest and let it fester, away from prying eyes.

“Alex,” he waited for her to tilt her head towards him, still not meeting his eyes, but closer.  
“You are allowed to grieve the loss of _potential_. Jeremiah… ever since that we were in that shipping container, you had the _hope_ of your father coming back. That is something real. Something you lost.”

Her first clear thought broke through her mind – striking through the fog of pain and confusion. Pressing her cheek against her shoulder, she finally met his eyes. “I’ve had a father for almost a decade. J’onn, you’ve always been like a father to me. _Especially_ since I came home. And I,” she turned more fully, making sure he understood. Making sure they both understood. “And I choose _you_ to be my family.”

His expression softened, eyes shining. He took a moment – gathering himself before sharing the words that he’d already said. But this time with more certainty, with more claim. “Any man would be proud to call you his daughter.”

* * *

The funeral was… hard.

And kinda… weird.

Eliza seemed to have sucked up all the emotional energy in the room. She sat up front, bent at the waist, silently crying. Kara, pressed to her side, ran a soothing hand along her shoulders – operating purely on habit, mechanical. Maggie could see the desire to be with her sister burning in her every move. At every glance.

Could see the way she tilted her ear towards the door – listening for Alex’s heart. Listening for how it was broken.

Meanwhile, the sparce crowd shifted in their chairs. A couple checked their watches during prayers. It was deeply apparent that no one was here for _Jeremiah_ , with Eliza as the exception. This was purely a supportive showing – J’onn, Winn, James, Maggie all here for Kara. Kara here for Eliza. Everyone else, Maggie assumed, where collogues, family friends.

None of whom probably even know Jeremiah’s first death had been fabricated. 

The whole thing felt… stilted. Procedural. Like everyone, but Eliza, was going through the phases.

Then Eliza was speaking, stuttering, sobbing, and Kara was forced from her seat. Forced to speak on her family’s behalf – even though Alex was banished. Even though Alex was the daughter _raised_ by Jeremiah.

When they came back to their seats, Maggie took her hand. Letting her sister squeeze as hard as she wanted.

But it was Maggie’s hand that needed squeezing at the grave site.

They… stood in front of Jeremiah Danvers grave while he was lowered, finally, into the ground. But Maggie’s eyes were locked on its neighbor.

_Alexandra Danvers_

_12 October 1989 - 18 March 2017_

_Loving daughter, sister, friend._

Maggie still hated that epitaph. Boiling Alex Danvers down to four words was unacceptable. But… those four words which weren’t even _about_ her. They are about what she _gave to others_. The whole thing still made Maggie twitch. Still made something squirm in her gut.

She wondered how long they’d leave it there – Alex had been home for over two years – longer than she’d been missing.

She wondered if Eliza would start pretending again. Like she did when Alex was deported – shoving thoughts of her eldest daughter so far to the back of her mind it was _as if_ she was dead.

Wondered if Alex and Eliza would ever come back from that scene on the lawn. Mother shattering daughter into a million sharp pieces – reinforcing that the guilt she’d carried since she pulled that trigger was earned.

The only thing that kept Maggie rooted to the spot was that J’onn had slipped away.

But then Kara was handing her Eliza’s keys. Alex had taken her car – hotwired it most likely (Maggie chose not to think about that too hard) – and Kara was in no state to drive. Plus, Maggie didn’t trust herself to comfort Eliza.

Even the thought made her blood roil.

So, Kara dutifully slipped into the backseat with her foster mother and Maggie started the car. Itching to press down on the gas – get closer to her partner as fast as she could. 

It took minutes to realize that Eliza was talking – murmuring under her breath. But from the set of Kara’s shoulders, Maggie suspected that she’d been talking for longer than she’d realized.

 _“She shouldn’t have come – why did she come? Why would she do that to me? Us? Her? Why did she… why did she make me do that? Why would she… break everything so much. She should have... known. Should have known_ better _. I didn’t… I didn’t want…”_

“Eliza,” Kara’s voice was whisper soft – even though fire burned behind her eyes. “Alex was just trying to do the right thing.”

A pause, where Maggie glanced in the rearview – locked eyes with the sister who wanted so desperately to defend her sister with stronger words than she was using.

Maggie applauded her restraint even as she itched to lash out.

“She failed.” Maggie thought that mutter was the end of it, clenching her jaw as she navigates the unfamiliar roads. Fortunately, Midvale was tiny – not Blue Springs tiny but still – follow the beach and you’d eventually end up at the Danvers’.

Eliza’s voice set her teeth on edge again – Kara closed her eyes against the words, tilting her head away. Maggie ached to go to her sister – pull over and hold her, protect her from the pain her foster mother was inflicting – this time without even trying. “Alex was always the strongest of all of us… but she… she let him… she…. She was supposed to be the strongest of all of us.”

 _Because she_ had _to be. Because your husband died, and you hid in your work. You left your fourteen-year-old, with her own grief, to look after an alien sister. An alien sister whose own loss was fresh and horrible and so much louder, and Alex didn’t have the room – the space – to be anything_ but _strong. To pack away all the pain and stress and live up to expectation. At the expense of her own mental and physical health. At the expense of her own dreams. At the expense of_ Alex _– to the point where Lucy and Maggie were the first people who really, truly, got her to be herself. Because no one else had asked – had let her._

 _Alex became the Danvers family backbone. And the thing is, it worked. Alex managed to make everything okay, and the house never burned down and Kara turned into an amazing person and Eliza got that patent done and so, why wouldn't Eliza expect Alex to just put aside her own pain and experience and interests to continue to be the backbone - the one to hold everything together? It worked. So why, why didn’t she put aside Winn or reality or… her own hurt and experience and_ save _Jeremiah?_

Maggie seethed in her own thoughts – seethed under the anxious energy Kara was letting off – seethed under the missing woman in the car – seethed at the _mother_ who was too deep in her own pain and loss and the _potential_ of saving her husband that she couldn’t see the daughter she was sacrificing.

The daughter she kept hurting.

But they were closing in on the house now – the neat line of picket fenced suburbia looking more and more familiar. Turning into the drive she clocked Lucy’s DEO issue car, eyebrows knitting at the lack of driver.

Panic spiked in her chest.

And then she was parking – unbuckling, keeping an eye on Kara as she supported her foster mother from the car. She managed to tilt her head towards Maggie while her mother unlocked the front door, she mouthed “ _beach”_ over her shoulder.

Panic still swirled, but less violent now; less likely to drag her under. 

She loitered in the bottom floor, letting Kara lead her mother upstairs. She’d asked to just be able to go to bed – be alone. The dismissal, any other time, would have raised protests from Kara. Right now? Maggie could see the relief in the slump of her shoulder.

They just wanted to see Alex.

Make sure she was… not okay. But safe.

They needn’t have worried.

Because Maggie’d been right to trust J’onn. They found the pair, framed by the sun, sitting down the beach watching the tide come in. Alex, wrapped in a towel, had her head resting on his shoulder, his arm tucked around her. They looked… peaceful. Picturesque.

Kara bumped her shoulder, fingers catching hers while they watched. Relaxed.

There was a… long road of recovery. Alex would struggle under the weight of her choices, of Eliza’s accusations. Of her guilt and pain and grief, for a long while.

But she had people in her corner.

And, the one thing that came out of the Exodus – of Alex’s being deported – was that there were even more people ready to go to the mat for Alex Danvers than ever.

Their little chosen, found family? That was going to be what got everyone through this. And that, that is what had Maggie smiling – just a little – just enough – and tugging Kara down the beach with her. To join her girl, and the man that would, one day, walk them down the aisle.

And tonight?

Maggie would drive the Danvers girls home, forgoing the hotel. They press against each other in the back, blurry street lights illuminating their sleeping faces in the rearview. Maggie would steal glances every time memories had rage welling in her chest - would relax every time she saw that the sisters were _safe_.

And, when they eventually shouldered into the triad's apartment, they’d all smile at the sight of their respective partners. Lena stretched out on the larger sectional; Lucy curled up in the armchair. Both dead asleep.

And Alex would brush hair out of Lucy’s face, and accept the offered, clumsy kiss. Would furrow her brows when Lucy sleepily stands and shoves Alex into her previously occupied seat. Would smile when the Director immediately climbs back in, head tucked under Alex’s chin, legs thrown over hers.

And Maggie would press a kiss to each of her partners heads before following Kara to the sectional – would watch the younger Danvers lift Little Luthor’s legs and sit herself under them. Would tuck herself into Kara’s side, letting the younger girl lean against her shoulder.

And they would sit – knowing that a groggy teenager would wake them too bright and too early. And they all be stiff from horrible sleeping locations, but would eat pancakes and drink coffee and they would just… look after each other.

Because this is the family they chose. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anakinflair - Dude, sorry that some of this is straight from out convo! I liked that breakdown and wanted to try and give an insight into Eliza (even if in passing).


End file.
